CAN I GET a MAN WITH THAT?

MY LIE DOCTOR

Today’s contributor figures out why Dr. - patient ethics is so important after all.

I went to the eye doctor to get new glasses and contacts.  I took my exam and could tell that the eye doctor was totally flirting with me. I decided to take the shot, he was cute and a doctor, what else could a girl ask for? When I gave him my contact info he said ‘This is the number I can call you at?, At anytime?’ ‘Yes.’ I replied, thinking that he wasn’t going to call me. When my glasses came back I noticed that he put a $300 extra order on my Chanel glasses.  It was not what I asked for and I was actually not happy about it, but I decided not to say anything because after all I guess he was just being nice.  

Five days later I got a text from him implying that I should at least make him breakfast to thank him for my $300 dollar valued freebie. One thing led to another, we had sex, good sex, and that led to very beneficial sexual relationship.

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ROCK THE BOAT

Today’s contributor learns why pointy things and water beds don’t mix.

My boyfriend and I were having sex on his water bed. Yes, his water bed (cue all of the motion of the ocean, cheesy motel jokes here). I’d bought this pair of stiletto heels that I knew would drive him crazy.  As I peeled off my clothes layer by layer until there was nothing left but my stiletto heels, I gave him my trademark sexy grin.

Needless to say he got more and more excited and pulled me on top of him. I decided I needed a little more leverage so when we switched positions, my sexy stilettos ended up poking a whole in my plan and the water bed. It started to leak. My boyfriend was so caught up in the moment, he thought he was making me wet. He didn’t notice the increase of water that began spurting out from the sheets. And I was really too horny to bother to tell him what was going on.

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ROMP IN THE RAW

Today’s contributor learns sex with bad boys yields negative results

I am attracted to bad boys. So when I ran into the notorious bad boy from my high school while I was in college, I couldn’t help myself. We started seeing each other a few times a week, but we never went out on dates. We would just have sex and he would leave. I was actually happy with the way things were going because I didn’t really want to date a guy from my high school, especially an unemployed college dropout — but I could certainly still have sex with him.

My friends found out about our little fling and immediately voiced their concerns. “I hear he has sex with prostitutes,” “You better be using protection,” and more importantly, “Did he get tested?” Now, I know the risks of having unprotected sex, but I naively trusted this guy. I figured that if he had something he would tell me—because that’s what any upstanding guy would do, right? I obviously missed the vocabulary lesson on upstanding. After about a month of hooking up, he left me high and dry. He wouldn’t return my phone calls or visit me anymore. It was like he fell off the face of the earth.

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THE ITALIAN (NOT SO) STALLION

Today’s contributor discovers there are just some things you can’t help a man with.

It was lust at first sight. My Italian stallion—or should I say pony? I met him my senior year of college through a mutual friend. I thought he had it all, until I found out he was bald, insecure and bad in bed! I could have dealt with the baldness, if he left his fitted Yankee cap on, and maybe even helped him through his insecurities, but being bad in bed was just a lost cause.

We were drinking a lot on a typical Friday night at my apartment. The more drunk I got, the better he began to look with his hat off. We barely made our way up the stairs due to excessive kissing, hair pulling (my hair, of course), and all the adrenaline that was rushing through my veins. When we finally made it to my bed, I couldn’t tell if he began to finger me or eff me. Well, to my surprise it was his dick (sigh).

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BORN AGAIN VIRGIN

Today’s newly deflowered virgin gets a second chance

When I lost my virginity I didn’t know what to expect. My partner had an embarrassingly small penis and it was over faster than I could undress. Nothing hurt, nothing bled — maybe I was born without a hymen? Still, as the months went on I realized it wasn’t going to get any better, we broke up in late June.    

It was 4th of July weekend and I was feeling bad. I invited a friend to a bonfire with rebound on the mind. He was a bit older than me, but had expressed interest prior. After quite a lot of drinking the fire died and my friend excused himself. I followed and after awkward conversation we began hooking up.

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TALES FROM THE DRUNK SIDE

It’s St. Patrick’s Day and given the Guinness-infused debauchery that generally occurs on this day, we got the urge to browse our archives for some of our favorite drunken hookups. Here are seven, but unfortunately not all of them got so lucky.

Rim and Bear It
A night out drinking leads to some dreaded ‘back door’ action for this contributor. As she starts to get into it, her tipsiness gets the best of her and she literally farts into her guy’s mouth. Vodka and cranberry go great together. Drunkeness and new sexual territory? Not so much.

We say: Hahahahahaha


Voicemail Fail
A girl hangs out with her hookup buddy at a bar and after a little dancing and a lot of drinking, her inhibitions are cast aside and she engages in a hot and heavy makeout session at the bar. As she’s drunkenly whispering (read: screaming) sexual fantasies into her guy’s ear, she makes an inadvertent phone call. The next morning her dad calls and plays her a very graphic voicemail he’d received at 1am the next morning, in which “Daddy’s Little Girl” begs someone to fuck her like he did in the shower last week. Whoops.

We say: This is why we always use our keyboard lock.

A Sticky Situation
This contributor goes to a college party to celebrate her birthday and ends up with jizz on her shirt. The events that proceed the jizzing are foggy (the ill-effects of binge drinking), but what we know is this — like many of our stories, it involves a bathroom and pants on the floor. One slobbery makeout session later, our girl winds up with a sticky formation on her shirt.

We say: Ew.

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CUPID’S EXPIRATION DATE

Today’s contributor should have had the lights on for her whipped cream experiment.

It was Valentine’s Day and my boyfriend and I decided to spice things up in the bedroom by giving the new alcohol-infused whipped cream a try. We had never done anything kinky in the bedroom, but cupid would have wanted us to try something new—and alcohol-infused whipped cream seemed like a safe bet.

The room was completely dark when we began to spray the whipped cream on our intimate areas and took turns licking it off of each other. We were both aroused and things appeared to be going well, until after a few licks, we simultaneously started gagging uncontrollably. Something had gone terribly wrong. I turned on the lights to find out.

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SEX WARS

Today’s contributor proves that if you’re horny enough nothing is a mood killer.

It was a typical drunken night out at the raunchiest campus bar, when I literally stumbled upon a handsome army guy. Buff and gorgeous, tall and clean-shaven, the night seemed like it was going in a fairly good direction.

Five free drinks and four shots later, I found myself on the bus going home with said tall army guy. Half-conscious and both too drunk to function, there were several embarrassing attempts to wake him up before we had to get off the bus. We somehow managed to get up to my room. Minutes and sloppy drunken kisses later we were getting down to business and I was ready to go down on him, only to realize, “Wow, I’m too drunk to focus and I can’t really see very well.” I somehow managed to unzip his pants, regardless of my impaired eyesight I should have seen what was about to happen next coming.  

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MISTAKEN PROTECTION

Today’s contributor learns why female condoms are called female condoms

My regular hookup buddy came over and after fooling around for a bit things quickly escalated; I asked him if he had brought a condom. He pulled one out of his bag, but it was a female condom (exactly why he was carrying one I’ll never know). I had never used one before and was apprehensive about putting it inside of me; needless to say I was too horny to muster up the composure to read the instructions. Unfortunately, it was the only form of contraception we had, so in a moment of total ignorance, we decided that he would put on the female condom and that would have to be sufficient protection.

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SISTERLY LOVE

Nothing cums between today’s contributor and her sister

I was a late bloomer. I lost my virginity at 25. At the time, I shared an apartment with my older sister and her boyfriend. I was in denial about the whole ordeal, refusing to believe they could hear the rhythmic squeak of my futon through the walls — or my quiet moans of “ohhhh, yes!”

One night after a romp, my sister had popped into my room to watch a movie. As she sat on my bed, I remembered that I had totally forgotten to tidy up after my sex session.

“What’s that on your blanket?” she asked.

Just then, I had eyed a white, filmy, cum stain the size of silver dollar pancake. My heart raced as I quickly thought of an excuse.

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