CAN I GET a MAN WITH THAT?

ROCK THE BOAT

Today’s contributor learns why pointy things and water beds don’t mix.

My boyfriend and I were having sex on his water bed. Yes, his water bed (cue all of the motion of the ocean, cheesy motel jokes here). I’d bought this pair of stiletto heels that I knew would drive him crazy.  As I peeled off my clothes layer by layer until there was nothing left but my stiletto heels, I gave him my trademark sexy grin.

Needless to say he got more and more excited and pulled me on top of him. I decided I needed a little more leverage so when we switched positions, my sexy stilettos ended up poking a whole in my plan and the water bed. It started to leak. My boyfriend was so caught up in the moment, he thought he was making me wet. He didn’t notice the increase of water that began spurting out from the sheets. And I was really too horny to bother to tell him what was going on.

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(M)ORAL PERFORMANCE

Today’s contributor has a run-in with a not so holy church boy.

I was performing in the choir at a school concert, when this guy I had been crushing on asked if I wanted to make out with him in my car. He was Mormon, so I was a bit confused—wasn’t his body was supposed to be for Jesus? Not one to pass up a good time, I obliged and a couple of minutes into the car action he said, “Give me a blow job.”

As my head is bobbing in the back seat, I saw headlights shining towards the window and the car looked really familiar—it was my mom! I quickly maneuvered his member out of my mouth and ducked down. Cautiously peeking out, Mr. Holier Than Thou got tired of waiting and said, “I think we’re done here.”

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VARSITY BLUES

Today’s contributor falls victim to a sprinkler system’s plan to derail her love life.

Back in high school, I was a cheerleader, dating one of the football players. As the season started to wind down, there were only three games left to brave the cold and cheer on my boyfriend in my skimpy uniform. The school I went to wasn’t that nice—our football field was crappy and the track we cheered on was pretty much gravel. But we were damn good at football and everyone in town was there, including his parents, who hated me. But I was slowly trying to win them over. 

I was a flyer, so during the second quarter I went up for a stunt. One of the girls that was supposed to catch me slipped on the gravel and lost her footing. I obviously wasn’t caught very well, since she slipped, but managed to catch my fall. I stumbled back off of the track onto the field and caught myself with my hands. When I stood up and tried to move my foot, I couldn’t—it had fallen down into a hole and my shoe was stuck to something. When I gave it a tug, I heard everyone (the football players, the cheerleading team, and the people in the stands) scream. 

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THE PARENT TRAP

Today’s contributor and her boyfriend aren’t as clever as they think they are
 
My boyfriend and I started sneaking out of our houses in high school to see (read: bone) each other and  we started to feel like we could get away with anything. Typically, we would wait until my parents were asleep, but one night I was so horny, I convinced him to sneak in through my side window — my room is just one story above ground. Out of the excitement of having pulled that off, we were hot and bothered and couldn’t help making more noise than we usually did. I covered my mouth with my hand  was constantly shushing my guy.
 
Minutes later, I heard my mom call my name. I thought, “It’s nothing, she’s just checking up on me.” I told her I was sleeping. Naïvely thinking she was going to drop it, I heard “Is there someone in there with you?” I started to panic, but mustered enough courage to say no firmly. The next thing I knew, my mom was screaming, “Open up your door and let me check right NOW!!!”

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NUTS ABOUT YOU

Today’s contributor learns when your dad ices your BF’s balls, its never a good thing

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for the past year and a half. Because we’ve been together for so long, you’d think that my dad would warm up to him, right? Wrong. My BF and dad never hit it off, and they still don’t mesh. It’s not that they don’t like each other—they are just both very different people.       

One night when my boyfriend was over, he decided that he would extend the effort and talk to my dad to score some brownie points.  My dad was sitting in the TV room sipping on a Cuba Libra trying to convince my sisters he was still in excellent shape despite his age. Knowing that my dad had a few drinks in him, one of my sister’s told him to prove it.       

Apparently, the only thing he could possibly think of to prove his svelte-ness was to do a handstand in the middle of the TV room surrounded by his loved ones and my boyfriend. Bad idea.      

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YOU GIVE ME FEVER

Today’s contributor cools down her “fever” after this afternoon rendezvous

I was introduced to “sex fever” in high school — the constant urge for sex. I caught it full-force after I lost my virginity. The sight of a single chest hair could induce an orgasm. At the time, I had no car, so I was doing whatever it took to get to my boyfriend’s house — begging for rides from friends or frenemies — it didn’t matter. Until finally, a friend agreed to take me to his house while his parents weren’t home.

My boyfriend and I were so anxious that it was finally time to get down! We decided my friend would park her car in the alley behind his house and wait. Then we went straight to his room to have sex. As things were getting intense— as intense as it could get for two amateurs—we suddenly heard the garage door go up and the back door open.

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HAPPY CAMPER

Six people, one shower, and one very frisky couple

My boyfriend and I were on vacation in New York with his parents, his sister and her boyfriend. We weren’t in a hotel though, we were camping in his motor home. It’s massive, but it only has one bathroom. One day during the vacation, we both really wanted each other—badly, but with four other people around, we couldn’t really do anything.

Eventually, everyone started getting ready for dinner and all six of us had to take showers. The guys agreed to use the public, semi-outdoor showers. But then my boyfriend got an idea—we let my sister and her boyfriend shower in the motor home, while we headed to the outhouse for some privacy.

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LIKE MOTHER, LIKE DAUGHTER

Today’s contributor hopes she didn’t inherit her mother’s oral skills

If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s this: I hate cum. I can’t even touch it without gagging. Don’t even ask me to swallow—it won’t be sexy. For my six-month anniversary with my boyfriend, we went out to a lovely dinner. It was time for a little dessert back at his place. Unfortunately, Aunt Flo paid a visit, so we couldn’t do what we wanted. Instead, I decided to treat him to oral.

As I went down on him, he told me he was about to finish, so I switched to a hand job to avoid his gun going off. All of a sudden he came everywhere—my hands, my arms, my chest. And if that wasn’t bad enough—he shot me in the eye.

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BARENAKED LADY

Today’s contributor lost her sleepover privileges and firstborn with JT all in one night. 

I was 17 years old and about to  sleep over at my boyfriend’s house for the first time. I couldn’t believe our parents finally gave us permission. On the big night, my mom gave me a lecture on the importance of wearing a bra and absolutely forbid my favorite boy shorts. After swearing on my first born child with Justin Timberlake that I wouldn’t disgrace the family, I headed out the door.

After dinner with my boyfriend’s family, we went to his room and started a movie, but as per usual, didn’t make it past the opening credits. We had sex and cuddled in bed for a while, until nature called. By then it was already 3 a.m., so I ignored my mom’s advice and headed to the bathroom right outside his room—butt naked.

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SEX SPRAIN

Today’s contributor learns that a good workout may cause injury

I was off to visit my boyfriend for the first time since summer break. At the top of my list? End our maddening dry spell! Then his parents rained on our parade—we were sleeping in separate bedrooms and absolutely no sex! I was as wet as I was going to get.

By the second night, we couldn’t take it anymore. While watching TV in the basement, we attacked each other like jack rabbits—he pulled my hair, I yanked his clothes. Soon after, my panties flew off and things got intense. We figured what his parents didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. Unfortunately, it would hurt me.

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