CAN I GET a MAN WITH THAT?

WE ARE FAMILY

Today’s contributor takes keeping it in the family a little too far

I was at a frat party and hooked up with a beautiful boy, Jack, with spiked brown hair and blue eyes. It wasn’t the most romantic setting, being fingered on a couch in front of 30 other people at the party, but no situation tends to be ideal when you’re this wasted.

He asked for my number afterward and realized that he already had it programmed into his phone. Then came the great realization that we had already met before. I sent him a text the next day and said, “We know each other. Why is this?” Jack said that he remembered visiting my apartment last year when my dad came to visit.

I had no recollection of this whatsoever, but he said he was from Tennessee. The only thing I know about that faraway place is that’s where my second cousins are from. We started talking about people we knew in common when I realized that he had the same last name as one of my cousins down South.

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HOT N’ READY

Today’s contributor’s Halloween Costume turns out to be a bit of false advertising.

It was Halloween, and my best friend and I had the brilliant idea of dressing up as “Hot n Ready” pizzas. We literally wore booty shorts, sports bras, and Little Ceaser’s pizza boxes, as our costumes. We even wrote “Are you?” on the back because we found it funny.

But we also wanted to make it obvious that the whole “hot and ready” costume was for laughs. Too bad it wasn’t a joke to the guy I met that night at the party my best friend and I went to. 

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SEX WARS

Today’s contributor proves that if you’re horny enough nothing is a mood killer.

It was a typical drunken night out at the raunchiest campus bar, when I literally stumbled upon a handsome army guy. Buff and gorgeous, tall and clean-shaven, the night seemed like it was going in a fairly good direction.

Five free drinks and four shots later, I found myself on the bus going home with said tall army guy. Half-conscious and both too drunk to function, there were several embarrassing attempts to wake him up before we had to get off the bus. We somehow managed to get up to my room. Minutes and sloppy drunken kisses later we were getting down to business and I was ready to go down on him, only to realize, “Wow, I’m too drunk to focus and I can’t really see very well.” I somehow managed to unzip his pants, regardless of my impaired eyesight I should have seen what was about to happen next coming.  

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THE PRINCESS AND THE PEE

A drunken hookup leaves today’s contributor all wet

After a long night of drinking, I stumbled into the dorms with my roommate and her two guy friends. Neither of them were my type, but after a few drinks, if I squinted really hard, one of them started to resemble Ryan Gosling. Once inside, my roommate noticed my intoxicated oogling and decided to give us some privacy.

Sure enough, he hopped into bed with me, but said he needed a nap. A nap? Yea, right. I had other plans — like making out in bed. After about 10 minutes, things started heating up, when suddenly, he got up, put on his shoes without saying a word and ran out.

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(M)ORAL PERFORMANCE

Today’s contributor has a run-in with a not so holy church boy.

I was performing in the choir at a school concert, when this guy I had been crushing on asked if I wanted to make out with him in my car. He was Mormon, so I was a bit confused—wasn’t his body was supposed to be for Jesus? Not one to pass up a good time, I obliged and a couple of minutes into the car action he said, “Give me a blow job.”

As my head is bobbing in the back seat, I saw headlights shining towards the window and the car looked really familiar—it was my mom! I quickly maneuvered his member out of my mouth and ducked down. Cautiously peeking out, Mr. Holier Than Thou got tired of waiting and said, “I think we’re done here.”

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RED IS FOR REVENGE

Today’s contributor uses her Aunt Flow for the most devious sexual revenge. 

I was mad at the boy I had been hooking up with, so instead of refusing to have sex with him, I decided to teach him a lesson. We always have sex with the lights on, but I decided we should try something different tonight.

The lights off should have been the first hint, but he seemed a little distracted (“Oh baby, you’re so wet…”). Barely able to hold back a smirk, I whispered back in a purposely breathy voice and said, “Oh yeah, you know I am.” As soon as it was over, I kissed him on the forehead and flicked the lights on. He laid there for  couple seconds in a stupor over what had just occurred, before his eyes followed a suspicious trail of red on his stomach.

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FOUL PLAY

A drunken hookup leads to a smelly situation

One weekend I had a big house party while my ‘rents were out of town.  Somehow I ended up getting seriously drunk and found an equally drunk guy—a friend of a friend. He had tried to pull move after move on me all night, and after a few hours I gave in and we went up to my bedroom.

He almost immediately went down on me and I was definitely enjoying it—until I realized I had a tampon in! Gross, I know. I am one of those girls who doesn’t want anyone remotely near my lady parts during that time of the month. Like I mentioned, we were both completely hammered, so I just decided to let it go.

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HOOK UP PIGEONHOLED

Today’s contributor learns that sometimes good luck superstitions are just plain wrong.

While studying abroad in Italy last semester, I was on the hunt for a sexy foreign man. I stayed in Florence, where the bars were always packed with locals. I hit the scene pretty hard with my girls, until I finally found the perfect Italian man. I thought he was way out of my league, but he approached me, so I didn’t question it.

We went outside for a smoke, and then started making out. The night was young and people were starting to loiter outside, so we moved into the street to continue making out. He was a really great kisser and I was totally zoned out—until I heard a splat, and something dripped between our lips.

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NOSE DIVE

A hot tub hookup session is chilled by an unexpected injury

On a winter night over Christmas break last year, I went to a party with some friends.  We all stripped down to our bathing suits to go into the Jacuzzi.

Everyone was coupling off and leaving the hot tub until it was just me and the boy who lived there.  We were talking to each other the minute we sat down in the hot tub and once everyone left us there, we started making out.

We were kissing pretty intensely and just as things started to heat up, I sensed something was wrong.  I broke away from his lips and immediately noticed something on his face. He then opened his eyes and gasped.

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