CAN I GET a MAN WITH THAT?

SWEET PEE & THE WILDERNESS MAN

Today’s contributor thought her date had no manners, until she did something utterly shameful.

I’d been working 12 hour+ days when I met up for a first date with Wilderness Man. He will forever remain with that name in my memory, because, to this day, I’ve never met a man so in tune with his inner animal. We met up at a bar and talked awkwardly for a while, while he ate and drank like a man who hadn’t even heard of the word etiquette. The date was going nowhere and we both figured that out relatively quickly. I said I had to go and he walked me to the train to go back up town, only then did we realize that we lived in the same neighborhood. Then, disaster struck.

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GAME ON, MOTHER NATURE

Today’s contributor wages war on her period when it disrupts her love life one time too many.

Aunt Flow. Aunt Dot. Mother Nature. Ever since that horrifying afternoon in Ms. Turner’s 5th grade class, when I fainted at the first sight of my unsolicited monthly gift, Aunt whatever-you-want-to-call-her has been my least favorite relative ever since.

Every month like clock work, she’d come around, and I’d be out of commission for at least 5 days. The only thing I could imagine being more painful than her stomach-cramping visits was giving birth to sextuplets with no drugs. But I digress.

These days Aunt Flow has been irregular — only paying me a visit every other month or whenever she feels like it. My worst mistake was thinking she wouldn’t show up at the most inopportune time — a first date!

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CHECK PLEASE

Today’s contributor finds an unexpected surprise in her purse

 I don’t remember how or why it started, but after a few pranks, my sister and I were engaged in an all-out prank battle that lasted almost a year. it’s been going on for almost a year. I’ve got to hand it to my sister — I never knew just she’d strike.

One night I went on a date with a really sweet guy my best friend set me up with. When we got to the restaurant, we decided to start the night off with some drinks. We’re both 21 and look a little young, so the waitress asked for our IDs. I reached in to my bag, took out my wallet and opened it to find a tampon covered in ketchup, which proceeded to fly out and land on the white tablecloth.

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HAPPILY NEVER AFTER

Today’s contributor watched too much Reading Rainbow as a child

I like boys who like books. Four books a month at minimum — anything less is a deal breaker. Exceptions for deaths in the family and religious holidays are considered on a case-by-case basis. I’m of the firm belief that we fall in love with books because we see ourselves in them. I’ve tested this theory.

I’ll start a date chatting about my favorite books, and then casually ask the guy what he’s reading. A second or third date is confirmed after a lit-swap—If, and only if, I like the main characters. All of my best relationships started this way, until I met a guy who tested my patented theory on me before I had the chance.

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EASY CUM, EASY GO

Today’s contributor fools around with an older, less experienced guy
 
Sophomore year of high school, I went on my first date with an upperclassman. He was so embarrassed at the “girly” cafe I chose that he insisted we rent an action flick instead. This was more likely an excuse to get me back to his house and in his bedroom, where we started making out, than an attempt to preserve his manhood. Or so I thought.

About two minutes into lip locking, I realized that even though he was older, I was clearly more experienced. His tongue was practically swimming in my throat, his hands were all over the place, and lets not forget the awkward dry hump. I decided it was time for me to take control of the situation.

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DOUBLE TROUBLE

Today’s contributor ends up on a double date she never saw coming

Recently, I had been out of luck in the dating field. Every guy I met was gay, taken, or just plain weird. One day I met an attractive, intelligent, funny guy who seemed to have all the qualities I was looking for. He asked for my number, then asked me to dinner that Friday. I was more than excited and said yes. 

When I arrived at the restaurant, he politely greeted me and took me to a table. After we ordered drinks, he excused himself and went to the bathroom. He seemed to be gone for a while, but he came back just in time to order himself a salad. After chatting for a few minutes, he excused himself again. This bizarre disappearing act repeated throughout the meal. What was he doing? Did he have a nervous bladder? Was he powdering his nose?

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NO PAY, NO GAIN

Today’s contributor advises on her ultimate dating deal breaker

I had been casually talking to this guy for a few months, but he had yet to make his move. He finally got the balls to ask me out when he saw another guy flirting with me. As if his hesitation weren’t enough, I should’ve known he was a snoozer when he asked via e-mail. My married boss was continuously bugging me about my single status, so I figured I’d give it a shot.

He took me to an Americanized Mexican chain for dinner—the kind you can pretty much find on every block. I made a mental note in my snob handbook as to why a native New Yorker couldn’t find something unique. C’mon, you gotta impress on the first date.

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