CAN I GET a MAN WITH THAT?

WE ARE FAMILY

Today’s contributor takes keeping it in the family a little too far

I was at a frat party and hooked up with a beautiful boy, Jack, with spiked brown hair and blue eyes. It wasn’t the most romantic setting, being fingered on a couch in front of 30 other people at the party, but no situation tends to be ideal when you’re this wasted.

He asked for my number afterward and realized that he already had it programmed into his phone. Then came the great realization that we had already met before. I sent him a text the next day and said, “We know each other. Why is this?” Jack said that he remembered visiting my apartment last year when my dad came to visit.

I had no recollection of this whatsoever, but he said he was from Tennessee. The only thing I know about that faraway place is that’s where my second cousins are from. We started talking about people we knew in common when I realized that he had the same last name as one of my cousins down South.

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THE ITALIAN (NOT SO) STALLION

Today’s contributor discovers there are just some things you can’t help a man with.

It was lust at first sight. My Italian stallion—or should I say pony? I met him my senior year of college through a mutual friend. I thought he had it all, until I found out he was bald, insecure and bad in bed! I could have dealt with the baldness, if he left his fitted Yankee cap on, and maybe even helped him through his insecurities, but being bad in bed was just a lost cause.

We were drinking a lot on a typical Friday night at my apartment. The more drunk I got, the better he began to look with his hat off. We barely made our way up the stairs due to excessive kissing, hair pulling (my hair, of course), and all the adrenaline that was rushing through my veins. When we finally made it to my bed, I couldn’t tell if he began to finger me or eff me. Well, to my surprise it was his dick (sigh).

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TALES FROM THE DRUNK SIDE

It’s St. Patrick’s Day and given the Guinness-infused debauchery that generally occurs on this day, we got the urge to browse our archives for some of our favorite drunken hookups. Here are seven, but unfortunately not all of them got so lucky.

Rim and Bear It
A night out drinking leads to some dreaded ‘back door’ action for this contributor. As she starts to get into it, her tipsiness gets the best of her and she literally farts into her guy’s mouth. Vodka and cranberry go great together. Drunkeness and new sexual territory? Not so much.

We say: Hahahahahaha


Voicemail Fail
A girl hangs out with her hookup buddy at a bar and after a little dancing and a lot of drinking, her inhibitions are cast aside and she engages in a hot and heavy makeout session at the bar. As she’s drunkenly whispering (read: screaming) sexual fantasies into her guy’s ear, she makes an inadvertent phone call. The next morning her dad calls and plays her a very graphic voicemail he’d received at 1am the next morning, in which “Daddy’s Little Girl” begs someone to fuck her like he did in the shower last week. Whoops.

We say: This is why we always use our keyboard lock.

A Sticky Situation
This contributor goes to a college party to celebrate her birthday and ends up with jizz on her shirt. The events that proceed the jizzing are foggy (the ill-effects of binge drinking), but what we know is this — like many of our stories, it involves a bathroom and pants on the floor. One slobbery makeout session later, our girl winds up with a sticky formation on her shirt.

We say: Ew.

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SEX WARS

Today’s contributor proves that if you’re horny enough nothing is a mood killer.

It was a typical drunken night out at the raunchiest campus bar, when I literally stumbled upon a handsome army guy. Buff and gorgeous, tall and clean-shaven, the night seemed like it was going in a fairly good direction.

Five free drinks and four shots later, I found myself on the bus going home with said tall army guy. Half-conscious and both too drunk to function, there were several embarrassing attempts to wake him up before we had to get off the bus. We somehow managed to get up to my room. Minutes and sloppy drunken kisses later we were getting down to business and I was ready to go down on him, only to realize, “Wow, I’m too drunk to focus and I can’t really see very well.” I somehow managed to unzip his pants, regardless of my impaired eyesight I should have seen what was about to happen next coming.  

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THE PRINCESS AND THE PEE

A drunken hookup leaves today’s contributor all wet

After a long night of drinking, I stumbled into the dorms with my roommate and her two guy friends. Neither of them were my type, but after a few drinks, if I squinted really hard, one of them started to resemble Ryan Gosling. Once inside, my roommate noticed my intoxicated oogling and decided to give us some privacy.

Sure enough, he hopped into bed with me, but said he needed a nap. A nap? Yea, right. I had other plans — like making out in bed. After about 10 minutes, things started heating up, when suddenly, he got up, put on his shoes without saying a word and ran out.

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FOUL PLAY

A drunken hookup leads to a smelly situation

One weekend I had a big house party while my ‘rents were out of town.  Somehow I ended up getting seriously drunk and found an equally drunk guy—a friend of a friend. He had tried to pull move after move on me all night, and after a few hours I gave in and we went up to my bedroom.

He almost immediately went down on me and I was definitely enjoying it—until I realized I had a tampon in! Gross, I know. I am one of those girls who doesn’t want anyone remotely near my lady parts during that time of the month. Like I mentioned, we were both completely hammered, so I just decided to let it go.

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IT’S NOT YOURS

Today’s contributor has an awkward run-in at the drugstore

My friends and I went out drinking for a bachelorette party.  As our rounds were coming to a close, I was chatting up a guy and we really hit it off. He was sexy, funny and my friends seemed to really like him. In my very inebriated state, I decided these were perfect reasons to get physical with this attractive stranger. After a hot make out session, we decided he was coming home with me that night. The details of what happened next are a bit fuzzy — I vaguely remember getting back to my apartment. The next memory I have is of us having missionary-style sex, and then me, waking up alone and naked in my bed.

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SCOUT’S HONOR

Today’s contributor refuses to spread eagle for this scout

After senior prom, my Boy Scout date and I came back to an empty house and made ourselves comfortable in the living room.  I was feeling really sophisticated in my chic Maggie Sottero gown and he looked dapper in his rental tux. Since my parents weren’t home, we opened the liquor cabinet and poured ourselves a couple shots of scotch. We said cheers, tossed back our heads, and let the scotch disappear down our throats.

It only took one shot for him to muster up the nerve for what he did next — rearrange the furniture!? Once he had it in the order he felt best, he plopped down in the center of the floor with his legs spread out and a grin on his face. He directed me with his finger to come closer and then unzipped his pants.

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PEEPING TOMS

Today’s reader discovers that her friends are more curious than she thought.

It was the biggest sports weekend of the whole year for our college because we were playing our football rival. My three best friends and my sister went with me on our three day weekend road trip. We met some guys at our hotel and ended up drinking with them after the game. Me and one of the guys got really drunk and started making out at the bar. We all split a cab home and the next thing, clothes were flying and we were starting to have sex in the back seat. 

Realizing that we were in front of our friends, we somehow mustered up the tact to decide to hold off until we got back to the hotel room to really go at it. When we got back we immediately jumped on top of each other without surveying the state of the room. The sex was unbelievably intense, I was on top of him, riding hard and screaming loud - our team may have been the Bears but in that moment I was a Cowgirl. I opened my eyes to catch my breath and pull back my hair when I saw something moving in my peripheral vision. 

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SAME STUFF, DIFFERENT COLOR

Today’s reader finds herself in an awkward competition.

Me and my best friend, who is a gay guy, went out for drinks one night to scope out some men. Five cosmos later, we had both found one. Unfortunately, we both had our eye on the same guy. This isn’t a problem we run into often, so we decided to turn it into a friendly competition. We expected the guy to choose between us, but it turned out we were both options. 

“I don’t have a preference,” he said. “I’m bisexual.” So now the competition had heated up and I was downing drinks and flirting shamelessly. He said he wanted to go home with me so I was pretty happy that I had beat out my friend until on the way home I realized that I was on my period. I didn’t want to admit that I should have just let my friend go home with him because he wouldn’t have had this problem. 

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