CAN I GET a MAN WITH THAT?

FREAKIN’ THE DEACON

Today’s contributor is going to hell for this confession

A few years ago, my cousin set me up on a blind date with the deacon at his church. He seemed like a nice guy—moderately good-looking. And since Jesus was his homeboy, there weren’t many ways it could go wrong.

On our third date, we stayed out late and he slept over. I didn’t mind because deacons are supposed to be celibate and waiting for marriage, right? Wrong. Before I knew it, the deacon was fondling my breasts! Then all of a sudden, church boy whipped out a condom.

Why was he prepared? Deacon?!

I was so confused, but who am I to question a sign from the Lord? I hadn’t been laid in only God knows how long, so this was obviously a divine intervention.

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YOU’VE GOT NAILS

Today’s contributor receives a strange request on a blind date

I had just gotten divorced and a couple I was friends with offered to set me up with a guy they were just POSITIVE I would like. Since I was trying to get back into the dating scene, I agreed and they gave him my number. 

He called a couple of times, we talked and he seemed decent enough to have coffee with. At this point in my life I was very fastidious about my fingernails and used to wear fairly long acrylics. So we were having our coffee and just chatting, when I noticed he was a little obsessed with “how pretty” my hands and nails were. It struck me as odd, but I brushed it off. 

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TWO-TIMING VALENTINE

A romantic evening went from magic to tragic

Last Valentine’s Day didn’t exactly end how I pictured—I was alone, on the couch, in my newly purchased lingerie.

Let me give you some background. I met my ex on a blind date. A whirlwind of six months surpassed any previous relationship I ever had. Things were great until the unthinkable happened—his ex-girlfriend decided to rear her ugly head. She left him for another guy, who later dumped her, sending her lame ass crawling back. He was so confused, he didn’t know what to do. I ended it, because who wants to be with someone who has feelings for their ex?

Not this girl.

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LOVE’S BLIND ONLINE

Today’s contributor learns that nothing good comes for free

I had just gotten out of a serious relationship and was eager to connect with someone again. I decided to sign up for eHarmony’s ‘Free Communication Weekend,’ figuring I had nothing to lose. I had a few matches, but one guy really caught my eye. I sent him a message and we started chatting and flirting daily. He was smart and our conversations were amazing. I smugly thought that I’d hit the online love jackpot—without burning a hole in my pocket.

After weeks of chatting, we decided to meet for dinner. I spent hours getting ready and I looked damn hot, if I do say so myself. As I waited, I saw a guy lingering outside of our meeting spot. He was practically hobbit-sized, had an unfortunate case of male pattern baldness, and was wearing wrinkled khakis that showed his ankles. Worst of all, the boy was ashy. I knew he couldn’t be my guy, but then, he called my name.

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UNDERAGE AND ENRAGED

A blind date tanks when today’s contributor’s guy can’t get tipsy

I once went on a blind date with a guy a few years ago, before I turned 21. Since I still lived at home in the suburbs, I traveled into the city to meet him at a restaurant he picked out. It turned out that the restaurant was actually a bar, and since I wasn’t 21 I couldn’t get in. Instead, we had to meet in the bar’s parking lot. We eventually found another place to go, but my date was irrationally upset about not being able to drink. Clearly, the guy wasn’t as interested in our date as he was in getting hammered.

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THE KING OF BAD DATES

Today’s contributor refused to be this loser’s “burger queen”

I went through a rocky breakup, and my friend decided to set me up with his cousin. In the weeks prior to our date, we spoke for hours and sent each other pictures. He was tall, handsome, and had great conversation skills.

I picked him up for our date, and the first thing I noticed was his baggy clothing, which I loathed. After my brief superficiality, I decided to proceed with the date. We planned to see a movie, and he told me he wanted to see a scary movie. I was annoyed; we had previously talked about how much I hated them. When I reminded him of that conversation, he insisted that we see it anyway. We argued, and he finally apologized and agreed to see something else.

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