CAN I GET a MAN WITH THAT?

RED-Y OR NOT, HERE COMES PROM

A little fun in the sun ruined prom night for today’s contributor

The day before prom night, I went to the beach with a guy I had been crushing on for 2 years. We went swimming and flirted along the boardwalk, nothing too serious. Then we capped things off with cuddle time in the sand. I guess the heat made us tired because the next thing I knew we had fallen asleep—for four hours! Worst of all, I wasn’t wearing any sunblock. My sun-dried body was in major pain and I looked like I belonged on the menu at Red Lobster!

I promptly left the beach for pre-prom pampering with my best friend. As I walked in the door she took one look at me and asked, “What the hell happened to you?!” I didn’t understand the severity of the situation until I looked in the mirror.  Not only was I lobster red, but to top it off, I am a red head! My hair blended into my face—eyebrows completely invisible. I resembled one big red dot from the neck up.

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YOU’VE GOT NAILS

Today’s contributor receives a strange request on a blind date

I had just gotten divorced and a couple I was friends with offered to set me up with a guy they were just POSITIVE I would like. Since I was trying to get back into the dating scene, I agreed and they gave him my number. 

He called a couple of times, we talked and he seemed decent enough to have coffee with. At this point in my life I was very fastidious about my fingernails and used to wear fairly long acrylics. So we were having our coffee and just chatting, when I noticed he was a little obsessed with “how pretty” my hands and nails were. It struck me as odd, but I brushed it off. 

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DOUBLE TROUBLE

Today’s contributor ends up on a double date she never saw coming

Recently, I had been out of luck in the dating field. Every guy I met was gay, taken, or just plain weird. One day I met an attractive, intelligent, funny guy who seemed to have all the qualities I was looking for. He asked for my number, then asked me to dinner that Friday. I was more than excited and said yes. 

When I arrived at the restaurant, he politely greeted me and took me to a table. After we ordered drinks, he excused himself and went to the bathroom. He seemed to be gone for a while, but he came back just in time to order himself a salad. After chatting for a few minutes, he excused himself again. This bizarre disappearing act repeated throughout the meal. What was he doing? Did he have a nervous bladder? Was he powdering his nose?

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HowAboutWe… Ask the Expert

Aaron and Brian of HowAboutWe tells us what’s what on five confessions—among them, bad dates, male scuffles and sex in public places.

1. King of Bad Dates 

Can I Get A Man With That? — It’s true! A guy had the audacity to take one of our contributors to Burger King on a first date. And yes, it was in New York. 

HowAboutWe — Half-way through this confession, we’re thinking, “If this is real, this chick has got to go. Got. To. Go.”  You CAN cut off a bad date at any point, if you’ve got it like that. Date how you want to. There is no shame in ditching a date if he or she is a tool. 

2. Guys And Balls

CIGAMWT — We’ll put this in the contributor’s own words: “I will never forget the image of two Italian men, engaged in a screaming fit over me…one with his balls hanging out of my pants.”

HAW — Congratulations. 

3. A Class Act

CIGAMWT — We’re gonna make an educated guess that every teen has fantasized at least once about getting it on in a janitor’s closet. These brave souls actually did it. Too bad they got caught.

HAW — Brian got away with this one in high school. (Senior lounge)

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LOVE’S BLIND ONLINE

Today’s contributor learns that nothing good comes for free

I had just gotten out of a serious relationship and was eager to connect with someone again. I decided to sign up for eHarmony’s ‘Free Communication Weekend,’ figuring I had nothing to lose. I had a few matches, but one guy really caught my eye. I sent him a message and we started chatting and flirting daily. He was smart and our conversations were amazing. I smugly thought that I’d hit the online love jackpot—without burning a hole in my pocket.

After weeks of chatting, we decided to meet for dinner. I spent hours getting ready and I looked damn hot, if I do say so myself. As I waited, I saw a guy lingering outside of our meeting spot. He was practically hobbit-sized, had an unfortunate case of male pattern baldness, and was wearing wrinkled khakis that showed his ankles. Worst of all, the boy was ashy. I knew he couldn’t be my guy, but then, he called my name.

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Ask the Expert: Sexist Remarks Edition

Amanda Hess of The Sexist tells us what’s what on five confessions—among them, gag reflexes, “cougar-like tendencies,” and period-panties.

1. (Un)Comfortably Numb

Can I Get A Man With That? — This is hands down our favorite hump day confession. Ironically, after we ran it, we came across this poll on deep-throat numbing spray and immediately thought — NOOO!

Amanda Hess — OH JESUS. Speaking as a straight woman with a wicked gag reflex: If deep-throating my boyfriend’s penis requires me to numb my throat to the point of involuntary jaw-clamping and vocal chord debilitation, my boyfriend’s penis ain’t getting deep-throated.

2. How to Get Ahead

CIGAMWT — Advice you never expect to hear from your boss… unless you’re a prostitute: “Find a rich guy and bang him! You know, a doctor, a lawyer — just someone very rich. You need to rid yourself of that small-town heat.” We wonder how long this contributor lasted at her job.

AH — I feel like every working woman has a story like this. When I graduated from college—with a degree in Creative Writing—I didn’t think I would get a job, anywhere. I was excited to get an interview for a low-paying corporate writing gig in the suburbs. When I got there, the boss showed me his rock poetry, played me some of his keyboard compositions, and then told me he thought I was too pretty to be taken seriously by the male employees in the office. The sad thing is that I probably would have taken that job.

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