CAN I GET a MAN WITH THAT?

PEE-WEE

Today’s contributor’s wine antics cost her happiness with boyfriends’ family.

My boyfriend of three years decided that it was time for me to meet his extended family so we planned to do thanksgiving in his hometown. We both went to college in the west coast but he is originally from Virginia. So we took the long flight to Virginia that by the time we got there I was extremely tired.  Now the thing with me is, I can never be sober and fly, so let’s just say I had too much wine on the plane.

To this day, I will swear up and down that I wasn’t that drunk but as I relay the turn of events that evening they will prove me wrong. His older brother came to pick us up from the airport and as soon as I sat in the car, my bladder suddenly wanted to explode. I thought to myself, “You can hold this in till we get home”.

All through the forty five minute drive from the airport, I squirmed in my seat, tried flexing my bladder, crossing my legs and tried to sound cool while talking to my boyfriend’s brother. My boyfriend knew something was up so he sent me a text saying, “I told you not to go for the second glass!” He was furious.

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THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING

Today’s contributor learns that it’s not always the thought that counts

One Fourth of July, I met a cute guy at the bar. I don’t know if it was the alcohol or the fireworks, but I felt like this guy could be a keeper. We hung out for the entire night and made plans to see each other later that week. He seemed really cool, and I was definitely thinking that he had some kind of potential—at the very least as a friend or casual hookup.

A week later, we made plans to get together and go out. While I was waiting for him, he texted me and told me that he got me something and he hoped that I liked it. I was a little taken aback, but curious and excited. I had no idea what it could possibly be, since I had only known him for a week. He arrived at my apartment, bag in hand, and my anticipation mounted. Then, he showed me my special gift.

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LOVE THY NEIGHBOR

It’s all fun and games until somebody loses their pants

I’d been flirting with my gorgeous Tunisian neighbor for months. Tension was building in the 10-foot space between our apartments. Even if he saw me without makeup, he would greet me enthusiastically with a double-cheek kiss. One night, he invited me over. Jokingly, we arranged to hang out once a week to improve each others language skills. Shortly thereafter, tongues ended up in each others mouths, but I quickly went back to my apartment.

A couple weeks later, I had a small celebration and invited the Tunisian and one of my college friends. He decided to bring his entire entourage, aka pretty much every guy I’d ever hooked up with, including the guy I lost my virginity to. All of my love interests from past, present, and future in my apartment… what else was there to do but to get wasted? A couple hours later, I was with the Tunisian, having the worst sex ever (does being a penis receptacle even count as sex?). I was so drunk, I think I fell asleep while he was still going.

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