CAN I GET a MAN WITH THAT?

FREAKIN’ THE DEACON

Today’s contributor is going to hell for this confession

A few years ago, my cousin set me up on a blind date with the deacon at his church. He seemed like a nice guy—moderately good-looking. And since Jesus was his homeboy, there weren’t many ways it could go wrong.

On our third date, we stayed out late and he slept over. I didn’t mind because deacons are supposed to be celibate and waiting for marriage, right? Wrong. Before I knew it, the deacon was fondling my breasts! Then all of a sudden, church boy whipped out a condom.

Why was he prepared? Deacon?!

I was so confused, but who am I to question a sign from the Lord? I hadn’t been laid in only God knows how long, so this was obviously a divine intervention.

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POCKET FULL OF PANTIES

A new relationship is almost ruined by a disturbing discovery

Josh and I got off to a bit of a rocky start. I had liked him for a while, but we had only recently started hooking up regularly. On one particular morning after, he lent me his sweatshirt to wear home. As I admired how cute I looked in it, I reached my hand into the pocket. That’s when I made the most disturbing discovery of my life.

Inside his pocket was a pair of women’s underwear. No, they weren’t mine. I know what you’re picturing—some lacy little number that conjured up images of porn stars and supermodels. Not exactly. These were freaking huge granny panties—with period stains on them. Yes, I found a pair of period panties in my new potential boyfriend’s pocket.

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FIRST CUM FIRST SERVED

A sexually frustrated woman teaches her man the meaning of ladies first

Throughout my sex life, I have been continually subjected to dreaded premature ejaculations, which always leave me restless and horny. I don’t understand why men don’t realize (or just choose to ignore) the fact that women are happier when we come first — in both the literal and sexual sense of the word.

I was faced with this dilemma recently, but this time I was fed up. I had been with my boyfriend for a couple of years, and the sex just wasn’t up to par. After many failed attempts to improve his performance, I tried a different approach. I got myself to the point of almost climax before we started having sex, which ultimately led to me getting off quickly. His initial reaction was of joy and pride, as if he were responsible for my early release. But he was in for a surprise.

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TO EAT OR NOT TO EAT

A new guy is shocked by the bold request of today’s contributor

I dated my boyfriend for two years before we broke up in my last semester of college. I wasn’t getting much out of our relationship anymore, and wanted to experience new guys before my college tenure ended. 

I quickly rebounded with a guy from one of my classes. I had never dated a white guy before, so I considered him a novelty of sorts. I wasn’t expecting much from our first sexual encounter, but I was pleasantly surprised. Sex with him was great—especially in the oral department. I was really starting to like this whole “dating new guys” thing.

One night he picked me up and we went for a drive. We were parked in his car, making out, when I had an urge for his fantastic oral skills. I was over playing by the “dating” rules, so I simply looked him in the face and said two words: “eat it.”

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THE BATHROOM BREAK-IN

A new relationship is tested by the dreaded ‘no. 2’

There are certain milestones in a relationship that take some time to reach — like feeling comfortable enough to take a dump in your boyfriend’s bathroom. This monumental occasion arrived (or so I thought) when I was at my boyfriend’s house and had to go to the bathroom … bad. But I chickened out, and decided I wasn’t at the point where I could handle doing that at his house. So, I made up an excuse to leave with the intent to rush home.

Unfortunately, as I pulled away in my car, I realized I wasn’t going to make it. Desperate, I called a friend who lived in the neighborhood and asked if I could stop by her house to use her bathroom. She said I could, but her family was out so she gave me the code to her garage. By that point, using the bathroom in peace trumped all guilt in sneaking into her family’s empty house — so I went for it. 

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MISSION ABORTED

Today’s contributor faces an unexpected pregnancy

I didn’t need to pee on a stick to confirm what I already knew, but my boyfriend insisted. There I was, e.p.t. test in hand, 23 and pregnant. 

I told myself the dreaded plus sign wasn’t the end of the world. It was merely God’s clever way of saying be positive. Then hours later fear and doubt set in. Reality hit me.

What if my boyfriend doesn’t stick around? I can’t raise a baby alone. How would I afford this? Until then, abortion was out of the question. Suddenly, I was forced to consider that in this case it might be the best option for me.

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SHOW AND TELL

An inebriated college girl takes PDA to a whole new level

I drank quite a bit one night and went out to the bar with a big group of friends. We were all dancing together, when a guy came up behind me and started grinding on me. I turned around to check him out, and realized this guy was drop-dead gorgeous. I’m not usually into PDA, but the combination of alcohol, dark lighting, and this guy’s insane sex appeal made me lose my inhibitions.

Our scandalous dance moves quickly escalated into making out, which then escalated to his hands making a journey down my pants. It was dark, and we were hidden in the masses of people, so I just went along with it. I couldn’t believe I was letting his hands roam so freely in public, but it was thrilling knowing that no one else knew what was happening.

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A SUPERBAD SITUATION

Her accidental role-play was an epic fail, but in the end she still got her McLovin

I spent the summer of 2008 abroad in Ireland, hoping to escape any and all college drama. But of course, the guy who lived across the hall from me was the only person in the program from my university. Inevitably, drunken nights led to long hookup sessions in the common room, and headache-ridden mornings with a small twinge of regret.

One night, in my drunken horny state, I was more focused on hooking up with this boy and less focused on the fact that I had my period. I was straddling him as we made out on the couch, grinding on top of him without a second thought. As we parted for our separate rooms I noticed a stain on his pants, but I just figured he had spilled something while we were out.

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HOLY HOOKUP

Not even a prayer could save today’s contributor from this sex nightmare

I met this guy at a party a few months ago. He seemed like the perfect gentleman — he held my skirt down while I did keg stands, taught me the fastest way to bong a beer, and pretended to be my boyfriend when creepers hit on me. As if that weren’t enough, he was over six feet tall, tan, had soft dark hair and beautiful green eyes.

We never hung out sober, but would hang out every weekend under the influence. He wasn’t like other guys who would plan on getting down my pants by the end of the night. After the third week of drunken flirting, all we did was make out occasionally. A few weeks ago, we finally took it a step further. I went into it thinking it would be the best sex ever. I mean, how could someone so perfect not deliver?

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(UN)COMFORTABLY NUMB

A thoughtful wife unintentionally crosses the line between pleasure and pain

Editor’s note: This week’s hump day story might hurt a little. 

I’m a newly wed Army wife, and upon my husband’s latest return home, I wanted to do something special for him. I had never successfully deep-throated him before and thought this was the perfect occasion. Since prior attempts resulted in my gag reflex kicking in, I found a throat numbing gel I hoped would solve the problem. To my delight, my husband was just as excited as I was to try it out.

Things were getting hot and heavy in the bedroom when it was time for the gel. As I started performing, I took him deeper and deeper and the gel was working. My husband was oohing and aahing, pulling me in closer to his pelvis. “Damn, this is really gonna work,” I thought. I didn’t feel a thing. Too bad I couldn’t say the same for him.

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