CAN I GET a MAN WITH THAT?

FLUSHED AWAY

Today’s contributor missed an important lessons in potty training

The other day I was at work and I really had to pee. However, I was dealing with a very stubborn client, so I had to hold it in for over 30 minutes! When I finally got a chance to use the  bathroom I was in a huge hurry.  When I started to pee, I realized I pulled down my skirt, but I had forgotten to pull down my thong! I was completely soaked.

I didn’t know what to do, so I just flushed my new juicy couture underwear down the toilet and went back to work, as if nothing had happened. Later, one of my really cute co-workers that I had been flirting with recently went to use the bathroom and came out complaining about how the toilet was overflowing because there was a  flushed thong!

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PEE-WEE

Today’s contributor’s wine antics cost her happiness with boyfriends’ family.

My boyfriend of three years decided that it was time for me to meet his extended family so we planned to do thanksgiving in his hometown. We both went to college in the west coast but he is originally from Virginia. So we took the long flight to Virginia that by the time we got there I was extremely tired.  Now the thing with me is, I can never be sober and fly, so let’s just say I had too much wine on the plane.

To this day, I will swear up and down that I wasn’t that drunk but as I relay the turn of events that evening they will prove me wrong. His older brother came to pick us up from the airport and as soon as I sat in the car, my bladder suddenly wanted to explode. I thought to myself, “You can hold this in till we get home”.

All through the forty five minute drive from the airport, I squirmed in my seat, tried flexing my bladder, crossing my legs and tried to sound cool while talking to my boyfriend’s brother. My boyfriend knew something was up so he sent me a text saying, “I told you not to go for the second glass!” He was furious.

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MALLRATS

A shopaholic trades one addiction for another and ends up getting really, really dirty

I generally have more money than my boyfriend, but that doesn’t stop me from letting him buy me things whenever we go to the mall. One time, I felt extra bad, knowing how hard he works for his cash, so I wasn’t going to accept the expensive dress he bought me without doling out proper payment. Luckily, the payment I had in mind benefited me too. As soon as the cashier handed us the receipt, I grabbed my boyfriend by the hand and pulled him out of the store.

We walked quickly to the restroom and I dragged him into the handicapped stall of the lady’s room, locking the door behind us so he had no way to escape. I was completely naked before he’d even realized what hit him. It didn’t take long for him to catch on though and before I knew it we were going at it in the public bathroom.

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BATHROOM BREAK

Today’s contributor has trouble coordinating a drunken quickie

One Friday night, I went with my girls to an all-you-can-drink bar to pre-game for a night at the club. A guy that I was talking to at the time was at the bar and I’d heard he’d be following us to the club. I was dying to go home with him that night. Feeling a bit nervous, I sought bravery in the form of alcohol — 5 shots, 3 vodka red bulls and a Long Island Iced Tea, to be exact.

I gave my guy seductive looks across the bar, but didn’t let him get too close. When we got to the club two hours later, my confidence really set in and I dragged him to the dance floor, more drinks in tow. By this point, I was extremely drunk, not to mention extremely horny. I motioned for him to follow me to the restroom.

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SLIP ‘N’ SLIDE

This couple does a little accidental “redecorating” to their friends’ bathroom

My boyfriend and I took a trip to a couples resort for spring break and we met another great couple that we immediately hit it off with. After spending the week with them, they invited us to stay with them at their new house in California for a weekend.

When we got there everything was as great as we had hoped. One night
after dinner, my boyfriend and I headed to the guest room for some
“alone time.” The sex was great, but nothing prepared us for what
happened next.

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BARENAKED LADY

Today’s contributor lost her sleepover privileges and firstborn with JT all in one night. 

I was 17 years old and about to  sleep over at my boyfriend’s house for the first time. I couldn’t believe our parents finally gave us permission. On the big night, my mom gave me a lecture on the importance of wearing a bra and absolutely forbid my favorite boy shorts. After swearing on my first born child with Justin Timberlake that I wouldn’t disgrace the family, I headed out the door.

After dinner with my boyfriend’s family, we went to his room and started a movie, but as per usual, didn’t make it past the opening credits. We had sex and cuddled in bed for a while, until nature called. By then it was already 3 a.m., so I ignored my mom’s advice and headed to the bathroom right outside his room—butt naked.

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THE SHOWER SHOW

A private moment gets today’s contributor some very public attention

My boyfriend is in a fraternity, and I went with him to his formal in Ocean City, Maryland. There was a lot of drinking involved that night, which led to some unfortunate issues in the sex department. I could tell my boyfriend was a little embarrassed about his lack of performance, so he promised he’d give me the time of my life the next morning.

 We were in a room with a few of his frat brothers, so the next morning he snuck me into the shower for some action. Our roommates were still sleeping, so we tried to be as quiet as we could. This didn’t work out so well—my boy delivered, as promised. The shower was pretty tiny, and somewhere in the process of getting it on, I accidentally bumped him. Somehow, this resulted in him flying out of the shower—ripping the shower curtain off on the way—and landing spread-eagled on the bathroom floor.

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MYSTERY DIAGNOSIS

Today’s contributor fears that too much sex is making her sick

My boyfriend and I had been going at it like jack rabbits all weekend. After a satisfying romp, I went to the bathroom to have a “movement” and I was surprised to discover my droppings were pencil thin.

The first thought to enter my mind was: “What did he do to me?” I didn’t know if it was natural or if something was legitimately wrong. Out of sheer embarrassment, I kept it to myself until I was sure.

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A STICKY SITUATION

Today’s contributor gets a very special birthday gift … all over her shirt

The binge drinking fragmented my memory from the night of my birthday, but one particular incident sticks to me in a rather unpleasant way.

I was in the bathroom of a college house — the kind of bathroom where you can’t seem to find the toilet paper and you are staring at a growing form of shower mildew. In the midst of my quest to find toilet paper, I heard a knock. It was my childhood friend. He busted open the door and had one of those dopey looks in his eyes. I didn’t know whether to hide my money or put a lock on the zipper of my pants.

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FAMILY VALUES

Today’s contributor receives an unusual family introduction

“Oh I’m sorry. We thought we heard someone in pain,” my best friend Dan’s mom said, as she opened the door.

I was sitting on the sink in the basement bathroom. My black leggings and boots were on the rug under his feet — my dress and bra pulled down around my waist. Dan, with his jeans wrapped around his ankles, was thrusting in and out of me.

His mom shut the door and ran upstairs to the living room, where her sister, brother-in-law, nephews, husband and other son were waiting. Dan and I threw our clothes on, stumbled up the stairs and walked directly out the front door. We knew we were no longer welcome at his aunt’s house.

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