CAN I GET a MAN WITH THAT?

Ask A Blogger: The Anonymous Edition

One anonymous blogger, or shall we say dating vigilante who’s not so adept at the relationship game  from So Then She tells us what’s what on five confessions — among them getting revenge,  IcyHot lube, and the dreaded ‘He’s Just Not That Into You.’

1. Friendship Bracelet

CAN I GET A MAN WITH THAT— In the realm of girls who like masculine men, there’s no room for silly bandz, much less suggesting you get matching ones, when the item in question is actually a birth control device. What’s the modus operandi for dealing with suspicious looking accessories in your bed after a hookup?

So Then She — If you have sex with a girl, and you find a new, plasticky looking ring left in your bed, which doesn’t resemble a hair scrunchy in the least - you treat it CSI style. Don some gloves, pick it up by the point of a pen, examine it in the light while saying asinine things like “Our evidence has come full circle…” and whipping off your unnecessary sunglasses, drop it forcefully into a ziplock bag, mark it evidence and return it to her at a later date. DONT FUCKING WEAR IT, BRO. 

2. Lost in Translation

CIGAMWT — Getting caught on his couch naked when that wasn’t exactly how you were shall we say invited is a play straight out of the ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ playbook, but what’s really wrong with this picture?  

STS — Let’s agree on a following fact: They’re fuck buddies, if even that. The discerning lass sees the laptop, mission and the key as a perfect time to snoop around his apartment. Does he have a whole bunch of women’s clothing? Does he have a whole bunch of womens clothing that appears to be in his size? Use this time and access to learn more about the man you’re trying to share a bed with. Not to ratchet the relationship up a notch by standing nearly nude in his foyer upon his return home. Why? Because most men are very rarely going to appreciate this gesture… because they’re Just Not That Into You. 

3. Sexercise

CIGAMWT — Getting a tampons stuck up your vag is a no no any way you slice it, especially due to sex so We can all agree this sexercise situation is too ridiculous for even the non-judging Breakfast Club to resist judging. What’s your verdict?

STS — At least I’ll know what’s up if I see an angry woman ever doing squats, lunges and jumping jacks when leaving a hotel room in disgust. I think we need to find out the name of this woman, find her, gently explain to her that’s she too stupid to ever mate, and then install a chastity belt to ensure a lack offspring who would drain the world’s intellectual quotient pool.

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Ask A Blogger: The Bachelor Edition

Jozen Cummings of Until I Get Married tells us what’s what on five confessions — among them, fairytales, limp dicks and girls who swallow.

1. Smile and Blow Me

CAN I GET A MAN WITH THAT? — To swallow or not to swallow? That is the age-old oral sex question. How about we just avoid it all together by faking cum allergies? It worked for one of our contributors. Her boyfriend felt guilty.

Jozen Cummings — You know why he felt bad for putting her through such a thing and then agreed to never ask her to swallow again? Because he probably knows a girl who doesn’t get sick from the taste of his cum. Girls who swallow are like girls who enjoy watching football games: We don’t have to be in a relationship with them to enjoy their company one day out of the week. 

2.  Working Relationship

CIGAMWT — It’s one thing to mix business with pleasure, but to call out your assistants name during sex with your significant other is pretty brutal. How would you handle this situation?

Jozen — That sucks. I wouldn’t have broken up with her. I would have visited her at her office. Then meet John and say, “Keep up the good work, whatever work it is you’re doing, because let me tell you, she cannot stop talking about you!” A few weeks later she also would have heard me saying someone else’s name while we were having sex, and I would claim she was my assistant.

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Ask a Blogger: The Wild Edition

Shannon Boodram of Those Girls are Wild tells us what’s what on five confessions — among them, entering at the rear, one-eyed monsters and bladder control in the sack.

1. Exit Only

CAN I GET A MAN WITH THAT? — Anal sex can be a touchy subject for a lot of girls, even the wild ones, so is there a silver lining to discovering a pool of his little swimmers in your favorite nickers?   

 Shannon Boodram — The fact that she felt free to be open with her boyfriend about her ‘discovery’ is the gold ticket here. So if we break it down: 1) she enjoyed it 2) so did he 3) her little OOPS was not that catastrophic for either of them, in fact it served as a little bit of bonding ground. 

2. O-M-Pee

 
CIGAMWT — We don’t know about you but we quit wearing diapers a long time ago. What do you have to say about the sex being so good that this contributor couldn’t manage to control her bladder in the sack? 

SB — I thought this was one of those urban legends or something. If a drunken hookup is TRULY the kind of sexual relations you want, then you have to know that things like this can happen, and if you know it can happen and you do it anyway, you should adopt a feel-no-ways attitude towards whatever the morning after may bring.

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Ask a Blogger: The Gaggle Edition

Jess and Becky of WTF is Up with My Love Life?! tell us what’s what on five confessions—among them, black eyes, yellow penises and faking it.

Editor’s Note: The WTF?! girls came up with the Gaggle concept, which they say has replaced dating. Gaggle (n.) a select group of guys in your life who compel you to put in that little bit of extra effort because they are, or potentially could be, romantic prospects.

1. Double Trouble

CAN I GET A MAN WITH THAT? — Here we have a scenario where two girls are unknowingly on a date with the same guy. Honestly, we thought this only happened in 90s sitcoms.

WTF is Up with My Love Life?! — Whaaaat?!  Who actually thinks they can pull this off?!  Sounds like he had a bad case of Gaggles Gone Wild. But as a fellow modern woman, I’m glad to hear these two girls kept their cool and didn’t go all Brandy and Monica on his ass.

2. Yellow Submarine

CIGAMWT — Don’t you hate it when a guy you would never consider sober, ends up blowing you off?! We have evidence it could be worse: This contributor got ditched mid-hookup by “a midget with a yellow dick.”

WTF?! — This might be the only story I’ve ever heard where The Guy You Are Embarrassed To Be Seen With (not in your gaggle) becomes The Super Horny Guy (in your gaggle), and then suddenly morphs into The Guy Who Just Blew You Off (still in your gaggle, but not for long).  Uh, congrats?

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HowAboutWe… Ask the Expert

Aaron and Brian of HowAboutWe tells us what’s what on five confessions—among them, bad dates, male scuffles and sex in public places.

1. King of Bad Dates 

Can I Get A Man With That? — It’s true! A guy had the audacity to take one of our contributors to Burger King on a first date. And yes, it was in New York. 

HowAboutWe — Half-way through this confession, we’re thinking, “If this is real, this chick has got to go. Got. To. Go.”  You CAN cut off a bad date at any point, if you’ve got it like that. Date how you want to. There is no shame in ditching a date if he or she is a tool. 

2. Guys And Balls

CIGAMWT — We’ll put this in the contributor’s own words: “I will never forget the image of two Italian men, engaged in a screaming fit over me…one with his balls hanging out of my pants.”

HAW — Congratulations. 

3. A Class Act

CIGAMWT — We’re gonna make an educated guess that every teen has fantasized at least once about getting it on in a janitor’s closet. These brave souls actually did it. Too bad they got caught.

HAW — Brian got away with this one in high school. (Senior lounge)

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Ask the Expert: Sexist Remarks Edition

Amanda Hess of The Sexist tells us what’s what on five confessions—among them, gag reflexes, “cougar-like tendencies,” and period-panties.

1. (Un)Comfortably Numb

Can I Get A Man With That? — This is hands down our favorite hump day confession. Ironically, after we ran it, we came across this poll on deep-throat numbing spray and immediately thought — NOOO!

Amanda Hess — OH JESUS. Speaking as a straight woman with a wicked gag reflex: If deep-throating my boyfriend’s penis requires me to numb my throat to the point of involuntary jaw-clamping and vocal chord debilitation, my boyfriend’s penis ain’t getting deep-throated.

2. How to Get Ahead

CIGAMWT — Advice you never expect to hear from your boss… unless you’re a prostitute: “Find a rich guy and bang him! You know, a doctor, a lawyer — just someone very rich. You need to rid yourself of that small-town heat.” We wonder how long this contributor lasted at her job.

AH — I feel like every working woman has a story like this. When I graduated from college—with a degree in Creative Writing—I didn’t think I would get a job, anywhere. I was excited to get an interview for a low-paying corporate writing gig in the suburbs. When I got there, the boss showed me his rock poetry, played me some of his keyboard compositions, and then told me he thought I was too pretty to be taken seriously by the male employees in the office. The sad thing is that I probably would have taken that job.

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Ask the Expert: MENu Dating Edition

In Ask the Expert, love stylist Tristan Coopersmith, author of MENu Dating: Taste-Test Your Way to the Main Course weighs in on her favorite confessions from canigetamanwiththat.com.

THE BATHROOM BREAK-IN: A new relationship is tested by the dreaded ‘no. 2’ Read the full story here.

CAN I GET A MAN WITH THAT?: This contributor went to extreme measures to avoid taking a no. 2 at her boyfriend’s house. We thought the ending was hilarious, but totally not worth the hassle. The serious question is — when is it OK to take a no. 2 at your boyfriend’s house?

TRISTAN COOPERSMITH: My guess is that her man has done the dreaded no. 2 at her place and all of the other ‘unpleasantries’ that come with being human… and I bet he never felt shy about it — a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, right? Well so does a girl, even the lady kind! Here’s the thing, there are tell tale signs in a budding relationship that dictate if you have sticky value, meaning is this someone you might be able to go the distance with, like do you stop wanting to order from the man menu, do you always take his call when his name pops up on your phone… and are you comfortable doing seemingly unladylike things around him like an occasional no. 2, belch or pass of the gas. If you really aren’t, you might want to think about why you aren’t comfortable with your BF. Until then, I recommend this contributor pocket a trial size of room spray to cover up her mess since her getaway plans can’t be relied upon!

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