CAN I GET a MAN WITH THAT?

SEX: Our Bodies, Our Junk

SEX: Our Bodies, Our Junk, the LOL-inducing sex manual from The Association for the Betterment of Sex, had us at this line: The clitoris, as variously described to a police sketch artist — kind of a glistening inchworm. In this new guide, Vanity Fair staffer Mike Sacks and his writer pals from The Daily Show, The Onion and Conan O’Brien reveal everything you ever wanted to know about doing it (the precise location of the female G-spot in latitude and longitude). And everything you didn’t (sex precautions for the elderly). Today Sacks answers our 15 Questions on virginity, masturbation, cum pairings and more.

Who is your favorite couple, living or dead, real or fictional?

This couple. I admire their spunk.

Best sex advice in 140 characters or less? 

Just be very, very patient with me and my many “moods.” No quick movements. And when I weep, cuddle me like you would a wounded farm animal.

Have you ever offended anyone in the sack? 

The question should be “Have you ever NOT offended anyone in the sack?” Yes, many times. Started playing Parcheesi by myself, once. That didn’t sit too well. Another time I insisted that we could only make love with the “Xanadu” soundtrack blasting. Or I tend to piss off lovers by nervously twiddling my thumbs or quitting midway through to fix myself a hot steak sandwich.

Favorite song right now to pop your cherry? 

I really love Beyonce’s “Stick It In Ya Baby Dragon’s Nest.”  

Which of the “Five Public Places You Can Masturbate Without Being Detected” have you successfully Jimmy-ed your Belushi? 

I can do you a few better. I’ve managed to “Jimmy My Belushi” in 9 public spaces. In descending order:

9. In the pet section of a Wal-Mart (Rockville, Maryland)

8. At the head of a conga line in the Mexican section of EPCOT Center

7. Inside a Jet-Blue shuttle-van

6. In a hot tub with Dennis Miller

5. In a sweaty, post-concert huddle with the members of Blues Traveler

4. At an Ikea cafeteria, right next to a steamin’ bowl of Swedish meatballs

3. On a Mama Mia! tour bus

2. At Loretta Swit’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame

1. In the game room at the Playboy mansion, as Scott Baio and Scott Caan played fooseball

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Dear Daria: Revisiting the Misery Chick

As the voice behind the title character in MTV’s animated classic, Daria, Tracy Grandstaff spoke volumes, albeit monotone, for brainy, sarcastic, misfits on the cusp of a sick, sad spice world ahead. After 8 years off-air, the cult hero was recently resurrected on DVD, proving the dry-humored teen of the late 90s was far from one note. Despite a surplus of oversexed mean girls on the Upper East Side or fist-pumping guidettes GTL-ing on the Jersey Shore, Daria’s personal brand of misanthropy is still alive and kicking. Today we’re going back to cool in a special edition of 15 Questions with the voice of the Misery Chick.

Who is your favorite couple, living or dead, real or fictional?

Sonny and Cher. Cher invented sarcasm for prime time. Fictitious? Roseanne and Dan Conner. They lived sarcasm for TV.

A recent news story worthy of Sick, Sad World?

Mother of 12 says, ‘What was I thinking? Eight really IS enough’—Octomom devours her young, next on Sick, Sad World.

After watching Daria: The Complete Animated Series on DVD for the first time since high school, we hate to admit that we felt sorry for our teen idol. Sure she was wise beyond her years and wittier-than-thou, but she seemed a lot more miserable and self-loathing the second time around. What is your impression of Daria eight years later?

She’s the same girl she ever was—a cynical, annoyed, awkward, self-conscious non-joiner, making the most of her prison term in high school—relying on her lifeline Jane Lane to keep her sane. She is, was, and always will be the Misery Chick who loathes attention more than she loathes herself. Eight years later, there are new things that would totally annoy her—primarily words like totally and bestie. I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t follow anyone on Twitter either. I don’t see her as a sad character. I see her as tolerant of her unavoidable reality—eager to put the whole miserable experience behind her, so she could get out into the world and surround herself with people she actually admired and respected…,  or not.  Her call.  At least she’d have the choice.

Today’s teen protagonists are more obsessed with being “attractive and popular” than Daria’s sister, er, cousin-or-something, Quinn, and The Fashion Club could ever be. Where do the Darias of the world fit in now?

Yeah, well, there’s no “fitting in” with the new Gossip Girl version of the Fashion Club unless you’re a size 0. As consolation—at least there are 5,000 TV channels to choose from and an infinite number of options offered on the Internet. Today’s Darias have more outlets to choose their protagonists. Why settle for Snooki or Sookie when you can have the ultra cool Brie Larson as Kate in United States of Tara? Let’s face it, if they remade Daria today, she’d be a vampire.

(Also, I have to admit that I am shocked, yet encouraged, to hear there are still Darias out there—especially since Gen-Yers are eternally optimistic and super-psyched about the future, way into having American Apparel good times, hopped up on energy drinks, and sexting all over their iPads.… I can’t believe that’s not true. My mind is so blown right now.)

I’mma let you finish, but “The Lost Girls” is our favorite Daria episode of all time.  We reached out to legendary editor  Jane Pratt about the vicious Val parody and she asked: “Would you parody someone now in order to make a social statement? I’m curious, as I used to make fun of people like New Kids On The Block back in the Sassy days.”

Hmmm, lemme think. Who wouldn’t Daria parody in order to make a social statement today? Didn’t one blogger (Jamie Keiles) follow the advice of Seventeen for a whole month, nearly ruining her life?  Genius. She had the right idea.  Any magazine or show or form of media claiming to be gospel to a generation of girls trying to figure themselves out is fair target for parody. The media gives a lot of simple sage advice that isn’t all that simple or helpful—it just contributes to the complex. The Darias of the world perceive most of the media targeted at them as source material for unwritten jokes of the future…. Smart magazines and advertisers get that. They appeal to the Darias with commercials that focus on truth over hype (see: new Kotex tampon commercials or Domino’s Pizza ads.)

More from Juno writer Diablo Cody, fashion prodigy Tavi Gevinson and MTV reality star Liz Lee after the jump.

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Who You Callin’ Bitch?!

Name Helena Andrews  

Status Single, Head of Household

Position Authoress

In her new memoir, Bitch Is the New Black, Helena Andrews pokes fun at the stereotype that says “successful” and “bitch” are synonymous. With the help of Grey’s Anatomy creator Shonda Rhimes, her eccentric childhood as the kidnapped daughter of the town lesbian and subsequent roller coaster ride to single, overachiever approaching 30 is being adapted for film. Today the self-described smart-ass answers our 15 Questions on love, career and the modern bitch.

Who is your favorite couple, living or dead, real or fictional?

Lucy and Ricky. “Lucy Ricardo” was the most subversive Stepford wife in the history of the world. Being a wife and a mother was never enough for her even when it was supposed to be. And Ricky, despite being the stereotypical archetype of machismo, always gave in because he knew she needed more than a baby and a tiny ass apartment.

Have you ever offended anyone on a date? 

If I have, I was totally oblivious to it. Once I showed up to a “date”—a lecture on volcanoes in outer space—in a Sesame Street T-shirt and black jeans. I was trying to fit in with all the other geeks, but apparently I was “under dressed.”

 In 140 characters or less, what is Bitch is the New Black?

In Tweet-speak, #BITNB is this woman’s journey from Catalina to catcalls. It’s about my dog Miles, getting mugged twice, loved up often and Michelle Obama.

The word bitch has obviously evolved from the time Queen Latifah demanded, ‘who you callin’ a bitch?!’ in 1993 to when Tina Fey coined the title phrase of your memoir on Saturday Night Live. How do you define bitch?

The Queen also said, “when we playing it’s cool,” which I always thought was funny. The first time I called another girl a bitch I was 12. She was like the coolest girl in sixth grade and I wanted to be friends. Go figure. Since then the word has evolved to encompass any woman who isn’t cute and cuddly. I reject the Care Bear approach to life. Sure, I like to laugh, but I also like to laugh at people. I also think I’m way too cool for everything except making fun of myself, which is always a blast.

Lady Gaga told Cosmo earlier this year, “Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.” Is this ‘hypothetical mumbo-jumbo’ or a real choice modern women have to make?

Claire Huxtable really fucked a lot of girls up. Nobody can pop out five kids, run a brownstone, be a partner at a law firm, speak fluent Spanish and still have sex with her husband on a regular basis. It’s just not done. That being said, I don’t think my business cards will stop me from falling in love. But at the end of the day something’s gotta give (my favorite movie btw), and although careers can’t walk out on you (allegedly) they also can’t put the curtains up.

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The First Date Redux: HowAboutWe

The kindergarten BFFs behind HowAboutWe answer our 15 Questions on New York’s dumpling forecast, Gaga’s passé Telephone and the new first date. Their contribution to society: A non-lame dating site that matches singles based on actual date proposals that start with “How about we …” As in how about we … go to a karaoke bar and butcher songs from our birth year. Pretty genius, right? 

Name: Aaron Schildkrout and Brian Schechter

Status: Single and Single

Position: Co-founders of online dating site HowAboutWe.com 

Who’s your favorite couple, living or dead, real or fictional?

It’s a tie between Michelle and Barack and Richard and Julia (in Pretty Woman, of course).

Have either of you ever offended anyone on a date? 

Um. Yes. (Editor’s note: We tried to pry for juicy deets, sadly Aaron and Brian don’t kiss and tell)

In 140 characters or less, what is HowAboutWe?

HowAboutWe is a new kind of dating website that puts ‘the date’ back in dating — while also taking the ‘online’ out of ‘online dating.’

We’re reluctantly of the non-date generation. What makes you think HowAboutWe can bring the date back?

People get sick of the non-date after a while. They want a more interesting, stimulating experience than a tepid coffee shop conversation.

‘Textversations’ and e-flirting also make us queasy. It’s kinda ironic that Gaga had a hit called Telephone. Have the days of butterfly-inducing phone calls been banished to the same black hole as missing socks and MySpace?

Technology has definitely changed the dynamics of the progression of a relationship. Phone calls can seem like a big intrusion now, whereas they used to be a normal, expected part of courtship. But if a guy is really into you, he will call — just maybe not every day for 45 minutes — and he’ll use texts as an unobtrusive way to let you know he’s thinking about you between calls.

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The Sexist and the City: The Anti-Carrie

D.C. blogger The Sexist thinks we have sexuality issues, and answers our 15 Questions on getting laid and finding a (wo)man with that, plus… what the feminist?!

Name: Amanda Hess

Status: Relationshiped

Position: Sex and gender blogger at the Washington City Paper.

Who’s your favorite couple, living or dead, real or fictional?

Jack and Kate from Lost! Just kidding, they’re the worst — Sawyer and Juliet forever. But my favorite couple (dead) is Simone de Beauvoir and Jean-Paul Sartre. “Hell is other people” is maybe not the most ringing endorsement of human relationships, but they were cute!

In one sentence, what do you do as The Sexist?

I write about all the big and little things that make our sex lives and our ideas about gender messy… and I make fun of people I don’t like.

For the record, what the ‘f’ is a feminist?

A feminist is someone who thinks it’s not feminist to instruct other people what it means to be a feminist. Seriously! Sarah Palin identifies as a feminist now, and we all have to sort of smile and nod because we’re not allowed to eject anyone from the club — there are enough people who want nothing to do with us, so we take whoever we can get. ‘Feminist’ can mean a lot of things now.

Does it mean you pay for dates?

I think it means that you arrive at a pay schedule based on a complicated algorithm derived from your salaries, who requested the date, and who paid last time. Usually you just put two credit cards down.

Have you ever offended anyone on a date? 

I’m from that generation of humans that ‘doesn’t really date,’ so the few times I’ve been on one of those two-strangers-getting-to-know-each-other-before-doin’-it situations, I’m not sure I’ve gotten the chance to truly offend. Because I say I’m a ‘feminist,’ though, people I don’t know well are always on their tip-toes, expecting that they’re going to offend me. I write about a lot of offensive stuff for a living, so I’m really hard to offend.

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MENu Dating: The More, The Merrier

In our new monthly feature, love stylist Tristan Coopersmith answers our 15 Questions, plus dishes on her dating philosophy — sample a buffet of men before settling on the main course. And because you rock, we’re giving one lucky reader a complimentary coaching session with Tristan (details when you read more).

Name: Tristan Coopersmith

Status: Married

Position: Love Stylist, Radio Host, Writer, Speaker, Author of MENu Dating: Taste Test Your Way to the Main Course

Who’s your favorite couple, living or dead, real or fictional (preferably one we wont see in the tabloids next week)?

There are so many. I love Marshall and Lilly on How I Met Your Mother, Mickey and Minnie, WALL-E and EVE, my dad and my step-mom, and I have to say, I’m pretty fond of my husband and me.

Have you ever offended anyone on a date?

Yes, I bought a guy who offended me about a half a dozen times during a single date, the book, Dating for Dummies as a parting gift. 

In one sentence, what do you do as a Love Stylist?

I help women architect and actualize their ideal love lives through creative exercises, therapy and coaching.  

Where do we meet this buffet of men you speak of in your book MENu Dating?

Where don’t you?! The whole world is one big dating playground if you skip through it with peripheral vision and an open for business sign. 

Who should we taste test? If we hate nerds, do we sample them, too? We love nerds, by the way.

Simply not all of one type is all the same, meaning not all nerds are created equal. A hot jock could totally be an undercover nerd and a nerd could be an undercover take-your-breath-away romantic. You have no idea what you really want or need until you try it on for size… so yes, I say have a bite of everything.

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