A YEAR IN HOT LINKS ON A PLATTER
You could call this roundup of delectable tidbits something like a crash course in the past year in sex, dating and relationships—but you’d be wrong. From making your vajayjay shine to boobs that shoot out whipped cream, we’ve been schooled on sex in ways we never thought we’d have to admit. This past year taught us things we’d hopefully never be quizzed on in Sex 101. In honor of our birthday week, consider this edition of hot links, a gift from us to you, on everything you never thought you needed to know about sex.
- In the 21st century a woman can use her sexcapades for her thesis, and a basketball player can get suspended for violating the school honor code by having premarital sex. They should probably just start outfitting their male students with these male chastity belts.
- We agree with 50 cent that real men eat pussy, but do they eat it when we follow the Kardashian sister’s mayo slathering recipe to make our snatches shine?
- Sacapuntas, moose knuckle, mother of all souls, and pink canoe are all euphemisms for your vagina, translations: a scary Victorian Lady, strange animal, awesome, and a geographical location respectively.
- Revenge is a dish best served by plastering borderline defamatory memes of your ex’s face on Google images, or by FedEx-ing him crabs. OR - If you’re really crazy, calling in a bomb threat to prevent him from getting to his wedding.
- In the near future you’ll probably be able to apply birth control lotion, and take the week-after pill. But be weary, although birth control may keep us out of the family way, it’s also been linked to diminishing our libido.
- The smell of tears can instantly give a man a limp dick, and the smell of pumpkin pie will put sex on his mind. The way to a man’s
heartdick is his stomach after all. - From Lady Gaga dressing up as a lifesize condom on Good Morning America to promote AIDS awareness to Kathy Griffin getting a pap smear poolside for cervical cancer, celebs will do the darndest thing to promote their sex related health causes.
- Senators think an ultrasound will convince you not to have an abortion, but that’s not enough, to add insult to injury Senator Rand Paul thinks our reproductive rights are as important as having the right to own a toilet or lightbulbs that use too much electricity. Oh yeah, and America can’t have a National Women’s Museum because apparently the only thing it’ll focus on is abortion, because that’s the only thing women have dealt with in history right?!?
- Fat dudes last longer in bed.
- Esquire Mag can’t make up its mind about who the hottest woman in Hollywood is, one day it’s Christina Hendricks and a few months later it’s Minka Kelly. Then again Maxim completely disagrees and voted for Katy Perry and her foreign-substance-shooting, Sesame-Street-controversy-starting boobs.
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