It’s St. Patrick’s Day and given the Guinness-infused debauchery that generally occurs on this day, we got the urge to browse our archives for some of our favorite drunken hookups. Here are seven, but unfortunately not all of them got so lucky.
Rim and Bear It
A night out drinking leads to some dreaded ‘back door’ action for this contributor. As she starts to get into it, her tipsiness gets the best of her and she literally farts into her guy’s mouth. Vodka and cranberry go great together. Drunkeness and new sexual territory? Not so much.
We say: Hahahahahaha
A girl hangs out with her hookup buddy at a bar and after a little dancing and a lot of drinking, her inhibitions are cast aside and she engages in a hot and heavy makeout session at the bar. As she’s drunkenly whispering (read: screaming) sexual fantasies into her guy’s ear, she makes an inadvertent phone call. The next morning her dad calls and plays her a very graphic voicemail he’d received at 1am the next morning, in which “Daddy’s Little Girl” begs someone to fuck her like he did in the shower last week. Whoops.
We say: This is why we always use our keyboard lock.
A Sticky Situation
This contributor goes to a college party to celebrate her birthday and ends up with jizz on her shirt. The events that proceed the jizzing are foggy (the ill-effects of binge drinking), but what we know is this — like many of our stories, it involves a bathroom and pants on the floor. One slobbery makeout session later, our girl winds up with a sticky formation on her shirt.
We say: Ew.
Our contributor starts to fall for a tall, dark and handsome guy who she met at a party. By all accounts, he’s a regular guy, you know, the kind that will hold your skirt down while you do keg stands and properly demonstrate how to keg a beer. Imagine her surprise when they finally take their drunken flirting to the next level and he gets down on his knees to pray before they do the deed, which is only topped by the fact that he calls his mother immediately after.
We say: Leave the holy wine for Sunday.
Where There’s a Wallet
What’s more common than a broke college student? An intoxicated broke college student! A group of girls head to the bar with nary a $5 bill between them. They fill up on leftover vodka before leaving their dorm and plan to score drinks from guys. But since the guys are also broke and intoxicated (welcome to college!), they ended up drinking with some randoms who were douchey enough to order bottle service. After too many shots of vodka, our contributor agreed to go home with said randoms and ended up in one of their boxers the next morning. Still drunk, she throws her sundress over the boxers, grabs some cash from the dude’s wallet and peaces.
We say: Cheers! If a guy can afford bottle service, surely he can spare $15 bucks. Though we don’t’ recommend going home with randoms. Just saying.
Are You There, Vodka?
In one of our favorite hump day confessions, our contributor recaps fond memories of hanging out with her crush and his friends, lazy days punctuated with drinking games and cheap vodka. One day, the group drinks so much that she ends up having sex on the floor with her crush in plain view of all of his friends. A few minutes of cowgirl and the room starts spinning. Sure enough, she vomits on her guy’s chest. His friends found the entire episode hilarious, but he didn’t and their drunken hangout days were immediately over.
We say: Invest in better vodka
Blame it on the Alcohol
A going away party requires some serious social lubricant for our contributor and she ends up getting super drunkface — in the presence of her crush and his date. Twelve drinks and at least one sloppy lap dance later, our heroine didn’t even get to second base.
We say: We’re cutting you off
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