Ask A Blogger: The Anonymous Edition
One anonymous blogger, or shall we say dating vigilante who’s not so adept at the relationship game from So Then She tells us what’s what on five confessions — among them getting revenge, IcyHot lube, and the dreaded ‘He’s Just Not That Into You.’
1. CAN I GET A MAN WITH THAT— In the realm of girls who like masculine men, there’s no room for silly bandz, much less suggesting you get matching ones, when the item in question is actually a birth control device. What’s the modus operandi for dealing with suspicious looking accessories in your bed after a hookup?
So Then She — If you have sex with a girl, and you find a new, plasticky looking ring left in your bed, which doesn’t resemble a hair scrunchy in the least - you treat it CSI style. Don some gloves, pick it up by the point of a pen, examine it in the light while saying asinine things like “Our evidence has come full circle…” and whipping off your unnecessary sunglasses, drop it forcefully into a ziplock bag, mark it evidence and return it to her at a later date. DONT FUCKING WEAR IT, BRO.
CIGAMWT — Getting caught on his couch naked when that wasn’t exactly how you were shall we say invited is a play straight out of the ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ playbook, but what’s really wrong with this picture?
STS — Let’s agree on a following fact: They’re fuck buddies, if even that. The discerning lass sees the laptop, mission and the key as a perfect time to snoop around his apartment. Does he have a whole bunch of women’s clothing? Does he have a whole bunch of womens clothing that appears to be in his size? Use this time and access to learn more about the man you’re trying to share a bed with. Not to ratchet the relationship up a notch by standing nearly nude in his foyer upon his return home. Why? Because most men are very rarely going to appreciate this gesture… because they’re Just Not That Into You.
3. Sexercise
CIGAMWT — Getting a tampons stuck up your vag is a no no any way you slice it, especially due to sex so We can all agree this sexercise situation is too ridiculous for even the non-judging Breakfast Club to resist judging. What’s your verdict?
STS — At least I’ll know what’s up if I see an angry woman ever doing squats, lunges and jumping jacks when leaving a hotel room in disgust. I think we need to find out the name of this woman, find her, gently explain to her that’s she too stupid to ever mate, and then install a chastity belt to ensure a lack offspring who would drain the world’s intellectual quotient pool.
CIGAMWT — Lube and women don’t seem to mix, this isn’t the first time we’ve heard something to the effect of ‘my vagina is on FIRE!’ What gives?
STS — I got nothing in response to this one. I have no idea what was in the tube of lube, why it hurt you so much, etc. But it sounds like you did everything right once you realized it. Screaming “My vagina is on fire” is also one of the best ways to run through a dorm filled with fellas. So Kudos for dropping that beaut. Keep on keeping on…unless it’s applied from a tub of IcyHot.
CIGMAWT — Why couldn’t this boyfriend just enjoy the gifts God gave him (i.e. road head), instead of needing to invite an audience. Help us come up with the best revenge.
STS — If you’re still dating this utter assclown…you should dump him immediately. Preferably along the side of a dark and desolate road, where you stop one night, claiming your cell phone flew out the window and would he help you look? Wait until he’s far enough back and jump in your car, then race by, giggling at him having to hoof it home. Turn about is fair play, no? Guys like this are worthless.
So Then She was born from the mind of an NYC-based entertainment professional who is more entertaining and less professional during romantic encounters, who prefers to remain anonymous. His blog chronicles his often laughable triumphs and tragedies while he scours Gotham looking for love or something like it.
