Ask A Blogger: The Bachelor Edition
Jozen Cummings of Until I Get Married tells us what’s what on five confessions — among them, fairytales, limp dicks and girls who swallow.
1. CAN I GET A MAN WITH THAT? — To swallow or not to swallow? That is the age-old oral sex question. How about we just avoid it all together by faking cum allergies? It worked for one of our contributors. Her boyfriend felt guilty.
Jozen Cummings — You know why he felt bad for putting her through such a thing and then agreed to never ask her to swallow again? Because he probably knows a girl who doesn’t get sick from the taste of his cum. Girls who swallow are like girls who enjoy watching football games: We don’t have to be in a relationship with them to enjoy their company one day out of the week.
CIGAMWT — It’s one thing to mix business with pleasure, but to call out your assistants name during sex with your significant other is pretty brutal. How would you handle this situation?
Jozen — That sucks. I wouldn’t have broken up with her. I would have visited her at her office. Then meet John and say, “Keep up the good work, whatever work it is you’re doing, because let me tell you, she cannot stop talking about you!” A few weeks later she also would have heard me saying someone else’s name while we were having sex, and I would claim she was my assistant.
CIGAMWT — People change themselves to attract the person that makes their hormones say hello all the time. We’ve heard of women who learn sports to attract their potential mate, and Julia Roberts changed the way she liked her eggs for every man she almost married in Runaway Bride, but how utterly insane is it to try to turn yourself into a character in your love interest’s favorite book?
Jozen — I’m only going to say this once, Harry Potter is a character in a book. He isn’t real. Stop. Quit worrying about a fictional character you read about in some book, and work on developing your non-fiction character men will one day want to write a book about.
CIGAMWT — Girls always want a man that has, shall we say, stamina, but she made this guy cum in a matter of minutes. His lackluster performance made this sexcapade nothing to brag about — or did it?
Jozen — If this were a story about a guy who made a girl cum during foreplay, he would tell it to the world as though it was all because of him. Forget the fact that she probably does that with everyone… Tell the world what you made this guy do, and skip the semantics about how he was clearly less experienced, just focus on how you made an older guy cum. Pop collar after.
CIGAMWT — So she lost her virginity to a douchebag/one-minute man, but what was to blame for this sexual experience gone awry? Was it her inexperience, his limp dick, or the women who lied when they gave him those so-called ‘references’?
Jozen — “Even though my devirginized self knew that it was really him who failed to deliver…” That quote right there sums up the delusional attitudes of most women. Take it from a man who has been with a couple of women who were friends with each other, one of those girls is better than the rest. So he wasn’t feeling you, oh well. Do what he did. Go get your own references.
Jozen is a writer and editor living in New York City. He has penned articles for GQ.com, New York Magazine‘s Vulture Blog, The New York Times Magazine, Complex, Essence and more. Untiligetmarried.com chronicles his journey through the ups and downs of bachelorhood.
