STICKS & STONES
Today’s contributor’s drunken role playing leads to a scandalous outburst
In my first years of college, I was an inexperienced, shall we say reckless drinker. One particular night, I thought I was Xena the warrior princess, and I decided to throw steak knives at a wall just so I could make her war cry. Out of concern, my friends hid all sharp objects, but that did not deter my alter ego.
During one of the many mind numbing drinking games, I accidentally spilled cherry punch on my boyfriend’s lap. “You’re a stupid, clumsy bitch!” he yelled, rubbing his tacky, embellished designer jeans. Clumsy, I might be, but stupid AND a bitch? He was messing with the wrong persona, I was Xena. And Xena does not take verbal abuse from men who wear beyond-metrosexual designer jeans.
Instead of playing the submissive girlfriend card by apologizing and cleaning it up, I yelled, “Well, you have a REALLY small penis AND you’re SUPER bad at sex!!!!” I held pinched fingers in front of my squinted eyes. He really did! I KNOW FOR SURE I DO NOT HAVE A LARGE VAGINA. I suddenly did not feel guilty for faking orgasms. Xena deserved hot passionate sex with a hot warrior prince.
My outburst caused everyone in the room to spurt alcohol everywhere. I repeated what I said for fun: “Small dick, bad sex right here,” I said, pointing at my fuming, soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. The sex was so bad that we had not done it in 2 months. As my friends’ laughter filled the apartment, I stood up and triumphantly walked out of the apartment. Xena gets what she wants, so, shortly after that, I had GREAT passionate sex with my chemistry study buddy.
