SEX: Our Bodies, Our Junk, the LOL-inducing sex manual from The Association for the Betterment of Sex, had us at this line: The clitoris, as variously described to a police sketch artist — kind of a glistening inchworm. In this new guide, Vanity Fair staffer Mike Sacks and his writer pals from The Daily Show, The Onion and Conan O’Brien reveal everything you ever wanted to know about doing it (the precise location of the female G-spot in latitude and longitude). And everything you didn’t (sex precautions for the elderly). Today Sacks answers our 15 Questions on virginity, masturbation, cum pairings and more.
Who is your favorite couple, living or dead, real or fictional?
This couple. I admire their spunk.
Best sex advice in 140 characters or less?
Just be very, very patient with me and my many “moods.” No quick movements. And when I weep, cuddle me like you would a wounded farm animal.
Have you ever offended anyone in the sack?
The question should be “Have you ever NOT offended anyone in the sack?” Yes, many times. Started playing Parcheesi by myself, once. That didn’t sit too well. Another time I insisted that we could only make love with the “Xanadu” soundtrack blasting. Or I tend to piss off lovers by nervously twiddling my thumbs or quitting midway through to fix myself a hot steak sandwich.
Favorite song right now to pop your cherry?
I really love Beyonce’s “Stick It In Ya Baby Dragon’s Nest.”
Which of the “Five Public Places You Can Masturbate Without Being Detected” have you successfully Jimmy-ed your Belushi?
I can do you a few better. I’ve managed to “Jimmy My Belushi” in 9 public spaces. In descending order:
9. In the pet section of a Wal-Mart (Rockville, Maryland)
8. At the head of a conga line in the Mexican section of EPCOT Center
7. Inside a Jet-Blue shuttle-van
6. In a hot tub with Dennis Miller
5. In a sweaty, post-concert huddle with the members of Blues Traveler
4. At an Ikea cafeteria, right next to a steamin’ bowl of Swedish meatballs
3. On a Mama Mia! tour bus
2. At Loretta Swit’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
1. In the game room at the Playboy mansion, as Scott Baio and Scott Caan played fooseball
What are your thoughts on period sex? It happens here often.
I’m all for it. What else are we gonna do? Go wild-mushroom hunting?
We’ve faked it. Do guys fake orgasms, too?
I’ve faked my interest, some laughs and a lot of intelligence. But, no, never an orgasm. Except for that one time when I slept with the first lady of Afghanistan, Dr Zinat Karzai.
How do you tell a guy he’s bad in bed?
Just tell him. Who gives a shit? If it offends him, find someone else. The next guy will be better anyway. Tough love, baby.
We have a contributor who chugs a can of coke after fellatio to offset the taste. What cum pairings do you recommend?
A can of Mr. Pibb is good. Kosher wine works well, too. Let’s see: Coconut milk (fresh only). A spoonful of spicy gumbo. A chug of Dimetapp cough medicine. A hearty bowl of kreplach soup. And maybe a cinnamon Tic Tac or two.
Best way to talk safe sex with your partner?
Hand puppets. If that doesn’t work, hire a rabbi or minister—call and ask politely.
Can I Get A Man With … (we link recent trends, you tell us if we can get a man with that)
A full bush (see: Broadsheet)
Sure, why not? I got a big ol’ bush on my back. Why can’t a lady have one betwixt her legs?
Silly Bandz (see: Daily News)
Only if they’re in the shape of porn stars.
Lady Gaga sex/gender course (See: The Frisky)
No. Listen to something good. Lady Gaga is already old news. She’s not going to age well. She’s painted herself into a metaphorical corner and she’ll now have to dress in “outlandish” costumes for the rest of her life. In a few years she’s going to look like an aging transvestite. And that just isn’t sexy! Wait a second. I take that back. That is sexy
Crab Revenge (See: The Gloss)
I don’t know what this means exactly, but I’m from Maryland where I ate a ton of crabs. True story: During beach week, this was after my senior year of high school, I went to Ocean City, Maryland, with some buddies and ate way too many crabs. Had terrible gas and my friends kicked me out of the hotel room. What was the question again?
What is the biggest obstacle preventing singles from getting a proper lay?
The musky, swampy stink of desperation. Quick! Visit a Duane Reade immediately to buy yourself some fancy cologne or perfume. If that doesn’t work, mention SEX: Our Bodies, Our Junk. It’s literary catnip.
Because we like you, and we want you to get laid, we’re giving five (5) lucky readers their very own copy of SEX: Our Bodies, Our Junk. All you have to do is submit your most embarrassing sex story. It’s anonymous, and you’ve got until 11:59 PM (EST) on 10/25/2010 to do it.