CAN I GET a MAN WITH THAT?

WE ARE FAMILY

Today’s contributor takes keeping it in the family a little too far

I was at a frat party and hooked up with a beautiful boy, Jack, with spiked brown hair and blue eyes. It wasn’t the most romantic setting, being fingered on a couch in front of 30 other people at the party, but no situation tends to be ideal when you’re this wasted.

He asked for my number afterward and realized that he already had it programmed into his phone. Then came the great realization that we had already met before. I sent him a text the next day and said, “We know each other. Why is this?” Jack said that he remembered visiting my apartment last year when my dad came to visit.

I had no recollection of this whatsoever, but he said he was from Tennessee. The only thing I know about that faraway place is that’s where my second cousins are from. We started talking about people we knew in common when I realized that he had the same last name as one of my cousins down South.

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HOT LINKS ON A PLATTER

A delectable round-up of this week’s most buzzed about topics.

• QUOTE: LeAnn Rimes says something poignant, “A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.” 
• VIDEO: Katie Holmes explains why Suri had P-E-N-I-S gummies in her hand, and apparently can’t bring herself to say the word PENIS. — Amy Grindhouse 
• From Vajazzle to mechanisms that disguise your camel toe these ways to dress up your genitals go far beyond the standard landing strip and bikini wax. — Cracked
• We’ll have to settle for listening to the smooth seductive voice of Don Draper on those Mercedes Benz commercials, Mad Men won’t be back until 2012! — Pop Eater
• H&M’s Fashion Against AIDS campaign is back and this time the collection is unisex & features Miss Keri Hilson and Akon. — Coco & Creme
• WTF News: Ex cop decides he’d like a full-frontal ‘massage’ but that he’d rather not pay for it, so he masquerades as a massage parlor inspector, and demands a massage and money. — Nerve
• Explain to us what Snooki Polizzi has done in life to make more money for an appearance at Rutgers than Toni Morrison? Is Jersey Shore worth more than a Nobel Prize? — SheKnows 

MY LIE DOCTOR

Today’s contributor figures out why Dr. - patient ethics is so important after all.

I went to the eye doctor to get new glasses and contacts.  I took my exam and could tell that the eye doctor was totally flirting with me. I decided to take the shot, he was cute and a doctor, what else could a girl ask for? When I gave him my contact info he said ‘This is the number I can call you at?, At anytime?’ ‘Yes.’ I replied, thinking that he wasn’t going to call me. When my glasses came back I noticed that he put a $300 extra order on my Chanel glasses.  It was not what I asked for and I was actually not happy about it, but I decided not to say anything because after all I guess he was just being nice.  

Five days later I got a text from him implying that I should at least make him breakfast to thank him for my $300 dollar valued freebie. One thing led to another, we had sex, good sex, and that led to very beneficial sexual relationship.

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SWEET PEE & THE WILDERNESS MAN

Today’s contributor thought her date had no manners, until she did something utterly shameful.

I’d been working 12 hour+ days when I met up for a first date with Wilderness Man. He will forever remain with that name in my memory, because, to this day, I’ve never met a man so in tune with his inner animal. We met up at a bar and talked awkwardly for a while, while he ate and drank like a man who hadn’t even heard of the word etiquette. The date was going nowhere and we both figured that out relatively quickly. I said I had to go and he walked me to the train to go back up town, only then did we realize that we lived in the same neighborhood. Then, disaster struck.

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ROCK THE BOAT

Today’s contributor learns why pointy things and water beds don’t mix.

My boyfriend and I were having sex on his water bed. Yes, his water bed (cue all of the motion of the ocean, cheesy motel jokes here). I’d bought this pair of stiletto heels that I knew would drive him crazy.  As I peeled off my clothes layer by layer until there was nothing left but my stiletto heels, I gave him my trademark sexy grin.

Needless to say he got more and more excited and pulled me on top of him. I decided I needed a little more leverage so when we switched positions, my sexy stilettos ended up poking a whole in my plan and the water bed. It started to leak. My boyfriend was so caught up in the moment, he thought he was making me wet. He didn’t notice the increase of water that began spurting out from the sheets. And I was really too horny to bother to tell him what was going on.

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SWEET SIXTEEN

Today’s contributor learns age is a more than just a number

Sixteen. No one can tell you anything once you turn sixteen. It was summer, which meant dark skin, short skirts, brand new sneakers and door knocker earrings with my name in it (hey, that was the style back then). I’d walk to the bus stop, with a nice little sashay, to see which cutie would stop me.

Eventually one of the guys from the neighborhood barbershop paid me some attention—and I liked it. “Oh wow, I thought you were nineteen,” he said to me after I told him how old I was. He said he was 23, but that didn’t matter, I was sixteen and could handle anything.

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HOT LINKS ON A PLATTER

A delectable round-up of this week’s most buzzed about topics.

QUOTE: Joy Behar relays what lots of women were thinking — “I just asked Debbie Reynolds about Liz Taylor. She said ‘the women liked her & the men adored her. I know because my husband left for her.’” —RIP Elizabeth Taylor

VIDEO: Blake Griffin says F*ck a Kim K and Kisses A Sister In Commercial — (err… or something like that). —Bossip

Alleged Black Swan Dance Double claims she did all the dancing. Does it matter that Natalie Portman may have had a stunt double though, she clearly didn’t do the acting? —StarPulse

More Money More Problems. Is money to blame for the lack of diversity in fashion designers? Designer Stephen Burrows thinks so. —Coco and Creme

The mommy training tools of today — breast milk baby, because young girls need to learn how to breastfeed. —Jezebel

Chris Brown went a little nuts after his GMA appearance, apparently so nuts that his publicist quit! Was his GMA outburst understandable though? —MTV

Is there anything more blasphemous? We imagine Jesus would weep at the very thought of us Pole Dancing to Christian music. —The Frisky 

HOT N’ READY

Today’s contributor’s Halloween Costume turns out to be a bit of false advertising.

It was Halloween, and my best friend and I had the brilliant idea of dressing up as “Hot n Ready” pizzas. We literally wore booty shorts, sports bras, and Little Ceaser’s pizza boxes, as our costumes. We even wrote “Are you?” on the back because we found it funny.

But we also wanted to make it obvious that the whole “hot and ready” costume was for laughs. Too bad it wasn’t a joke to the guy I met that night at the party my best friend and I went to. 

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ROMP IN THE RAW

Today’s contributor learns sex with bad boys yields negative results

I am attracted to bad boys. So when I ran into the notorious bad boy from my high school while I was in college, I couldn’t help myself. We started seeing each other a few times a week, but we never went out on dates. We would just have sex and he would leave. I was actually happy with the way things were going because I didn’t really want to date a guy from my high school, especially an unemployed college dropout — but I could certainly still have sex with him.

My friends found out about our little fling and immediately voiced their concerns. “I hear he has sex with prostitutes,” “You better be using protection,” and more importantly, “Did he get tested?” Now, I know the risks of having unprotected sex, but I naively trusted this guy. I figured that if he had something he would tell me—because that’s what any upstanding guy would do, right? I obviously missed the vocabulary lesson on upstanding. After about a month of hooking up, he left me high and dry. He wouldn’t return my phone calls or visit me anymore. It was like he fell off the face of the earth.

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